Thanks for the well wishes. It seems I have a very hard head.
It wasnt an accident Cobra. The crane operator was not following standard procedures, there was a interferance on top of that, and he continued anyways. There was no excuse. It felt like my forhead got caved in. I had to touch it to make sure. My point was there is certain amounts of pain that I cannot handle. once they get crossed, I cannot control the rage. I dont pass out, I dont 'crawl inside' I dont go into shock, or at least not like most. I just want to destroy the cause of the pain. I took it out on the fence post and the outrigger of the crane, but the crane operator hid in his truck. I just observe myself while it happens and keep it directed at objects. I remember having that same observer feeling when berating x.
My face is scraped up, some edema of course, but Im fine.
Ok on to differentiating...
first I dont want to quibble over interdependance and enmeshment. I understand the need for a common vocab to convey our thoughts. I agree with everything you are saying cobra about schnarch. That is a 'perfect scenario'. Reality is our R's and M's are based on romantic love. Attraction. And the cause of romantic love, which we ALL have a desire for, even want, is enmeshment. Mirroring and being mirrored.
No man/woman is an island. We have these needs and desires built into our eprom. there are going to be times when we fall down and it is not wrong or ridiculous to want, even EXPECT the SO to help us back up or at least, stay the course while we get back on track. Thats why we say vows.
One should not depend on the spouse for soothing. The spouse can and should provide comfort and empathy from a position of love
Should. A womans basic need is security. She counts on her H to soothe her, and gets idgited when he is unsure/insecure. That is what is.
The problem I have with jumping too much into the biological needs camp is that there are studies that have shown women who are given security and comfort
No where at anytime have I said providing security and comfort were one of the causes of attraction. In fact women are often very calculating in weighing the pros and cons between attraction and comfort/security. Just as we are often calculating between visually appealing and personality. Actually trying to provide comfort and security often come off as supplicating.
Bad bad bad for attraction. more then one guy here with that pesky habit.
If she has FOO issues, the most alpha of males will not satisfy her. actually its the reverse. ONLY the most alpha will appeal, no matter he is a criminal, abusive, narcisstic, addict.
Remember, such rigidity is to maintain a feeling of control over chaotic situation… a form of self soothing. Very differentiated of me then... LOL. I guess Ill stick with the black/white.
Your comment “So why not use my skills and offer them that apparent out?” is a little self serving. Why would you want to rescue someone in this situation? What could you possibly gain, except for adoration and worship?
I would 'take care of me'... get laid. I dont want to rescue them, thats their projection. yes it is self serving... thats the point of attraction and survival of the fittest. Why worry myself about the fallout and consequeces if that is all there is? Im being devils advocate and dont belive any of what I say. I was 'feeling' it though. Bitterness? resentment? entitlement? power...? who knows. for someone hits and you arent 'making decisions' anymore.
There is value to honor, integrity and commitment. Yes there is. Also self discipline. But biological needs do not recognize this. Exactly.
I decided what I would and wouldnt do a long time ago. I have even looked into the abyss myself when I was married. and now again from the other side. Its disconcerting to be betrayed by thoughts. Fortunately we are defined by our actions... hopefully the present actions are whats judged by our loved ones.
I think this is a good example of the contradictions and weakness of a purely biological needs approach
There is nothing weak about it. Biological needs conquer ideals, decisions, self direction, logic. Lack of respect for their power is the cause of much heart ache. Misunderstanding what they are, and misapplication are common mistakes. Schnarch is just another effort in the struggle to use them to our benefit. I also dont think all of it applies equally to both sexes.
The way you are applying it is working for you though. Im very pleased for you. I hope you connect the two.
