Apologies for throwing stuff into the mix without reading the whole thread but this stood out.
I'm a big fan of Schnarch but I recommend people be very, very careful in trying to implement a plan based on his stuff. I truly thought I understood him 100% when I read PM but I was too naive to know better at the time. It wasn't until we had therapy, some recovery and a bit of perspective that I really understood what he meant. It takes some really good communication skills prior to any of this and a good C can really help.
"Pushing" your spouse into the crucible shouldn't be an overt act or even something that you plan. By virtue of becoming differentiated, you will inevitably develop a sense of self that will manifest itself in day-to-day interactions with your spouse in such a way that your spouse will have to reflect on themselves and the way they choose to exist within the marital system according to their own integrity...just as you.
You also have to be careful of pseudo-differentiation which is something I went through immediately after reading PM. Pseudo-differentiation feels like this....you anxiously stand up for yourself and consider the outcomes of your confrontation. When you are truly in a higher state of differentiation, you will no longer feel anxious about defending yourself and it will flow easily with "empathetic perspective". You don't need to consider the outcomes of a confrontation because the act of standing up for yourself will be coming from your integrity rather than a desire to force your spouse to introspect...if they *do* introspect, then it will simply be a side-effect of you become more differentiated. The only thoughts you will have prior to a confrontation is *how* to confront (or even if you should) rather than *what* are the outcomes. Your only responsibility is to be true to yourself and if it's a painful thing to your spouse, then negotiate something in a way that lets them know you are making a loving compromise and be grateful of the similar offerings they make.
Outcomes are very specific to the person. My W makes it easy for me to assert my integrity - the good and bad. She doesn't react at all to some things that a more liberal, conservative, feminist, anti-feminist, religious, non-religious (etc. etc. etc.) might react to. My college GF had a tendency to curl up in the fetal position in tears if I noticed an advertisement with an attractive model on it but my W will say stuff like "hmmm...I like her hair".
Except in extreme cases, there is no right or wrong...only a "relationship system". Was I more of a "bad person" in the presence of my first GF? No, I was just being myself. I'm attracted to attractive women. I also notice everything going on around me because I have an almost pathological condition where I notice shiny, moving, or repetitive things in my peripheral vision. Do I apologize for this? No. I say "hey, sorry this bugs you but this is who I am...I can *try* to improve but I also need you to try to be more accepting so we can find some middle ground". Unfortunately, I didn't know these things in college or I wouldn't have been manipulated by her reactions or the threat of a negative outcome.
Like outcomes, you will never have a definitive idea of "progress" either. It's really a day-to-day, situation-to-situation kind of thing. My C (who was amazing) kept hammering me with the fact that I should 1) forget the past, 2) not pessimistically or optimistically predict the future based on my W's behavior and 3) simply live in the moment.
Schnarch uses his mountain hikes with his wife as a metaphor for describing "relationship systems" and ways to work together when two people aren't equally matched in skill, strength, motivation etc. Think how much it would suck to have someone walking 100 yards ahead of you, yelling back to "hurry up". By virtue of them being ahead, you *might* consider the fact that you are slower. You might consider trying to get in better shape...or maybe not - depends on a whole host of things that are personal to you. You might be content watching them have fun ahead and enjoy hearing some encouraging words like "hey...check this out...this is great up here". You also might appreciate some quiet time. You might enjoy having them come back down the "hill" to walk with you a bit.
Following the same metaphor, if you want your partner to wait or come back (or give you space) and they don't, you aren't allowed to bust them on this unless they knew this was something you wanted. This comes back to communication skills. By remaining quiet, you might get exactly what you are asking for. In this case, your only valid choice is to self-sooth and resist the urge to beat your spouse over the head.
You also aren't allowed to "train" your partner to *know* what you want (I used to do this). This goes like this - "a couple times a weeks I feel like ML"...we've all had this convo. If you say this with the expectation that your spouse will "step up", then you are having a "fusion fantasy". First of all, this might not always be your reality. You might have a week where you are particular frisky or the opposite. Live in the moment. Ask for it when you are feeling like it. Never assume they will say no. It might just be the day where the planets are aligned. Never assume they will say yes. Soothe your way through your request and their response. If you are feeling frustrated, that's ok...it's also ok to share why you are frustrated...but make it about you. Ex. say "it's ok that you aren't in the mood...it's just, I'm really feeling in the mood to toss you into bed right now". Keep it positive.
The point I'm making is that you should seek out situations as a couple that are catalysts for personal growth and then apply pressure by simply being your happy, goofy self.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
