Hopefully mine wont be too erratic. I got smashed in the face with a 8' fence post yesterday, and got concussed, by an irresponsible crane operator. Venting. I live on the edge a lot. But I dont put others at risk. In fact Im usually the saftey guy at work. So I got kinda pissed. Pain like that just puts me in a rage. anyways,
Ive been away from the boards because there were some conversations going on for a while that were emphasizing to me that there really is nothing more then attraction in R's. (sometimes Im kinda slow...) I was becoming disillusioned. Probably a good thing. I was beginning to --feel-- there was no point to honor, integrity, commitment. Probably just a normal part of the recovery process, but I needed to remove myself from part of what was exacerbating my issue. I was really coming close to walking a path that I should... I did and do find unconcionable. Ive always been a person with strong black/white--right/wrong. Im very mentally flexable, try to eliminate ego, but there are certain things that you have to make non negotiable. For yourself. Real concrete and steel inner boundaries.
Ex. Married women are off limits. Women with BF's are off limits. One of the very first questions I ask when meeting a woman is 'Are you single' After many acquaintences of both sexes saying things like 'BF's arent husbands' and 'There is no ring on this finger' I was waffling. Ah... but to what point does the BF rule extend to. Friends with benefits? Dating for 1 year? Living together for 5 years?...... Pretty much a 21st century marriage IMO. So if thats acceptable, why not married women? Just a POP. The unhappy ones are just looking for a way out, Right? or maybe get there H's attention. or just a side fling. So why not use my skills and offer them that apparent out? I was rationalizing, and spiraling down. This place wasnt at fault but it wasnt helping me either.
Anyways Im not dealing with your comments to me, these are my issues that have nothing to do with SSM. Just thought Id give a quick? update on why I left for a while. Ive had to change my awareness on some things, while keeping my values. ok enough babbling.
differentiate:--1. to perceive differences or distinctions between. Example Some persons cannot differentiate blue and green. Synonyms tell (5) , discriminate , distinguish (1) , tell apart {apart (PHR)} Crossref. Syn. contrast Similar Words demarcate , separate Definition 2. to indicate or constitute a difference between. Example Their songs differentiate the two similar birds. Crossref. Syn. distinguish Similar Words characterize , define , mark1 Definition 3. to cause to become different or distinct, esp. by changing. Example He differentiated himself from his twin brother by learning to ski.
Similar Words , separate
I really dont care for the word myself. I prefer concepts like above the chess board, outside the fray, etc. I stand by my remark. When a person has an affair they have changed(differentiated). They have seperated (differentiated), emotionally /mentally. The compare (differentiate) the OP to the SO. They are a liar. They have completely nullified the vows, that they expressed on their wedding day. And when a typical (for the most part psych healthy) woman has an affair, its becuase you no longer have a very high biological value too her. So she really doesnt care how you respond. (thats pretty differentiated) Shes got a replacement lined up. At least thats how their feelings are driving them.
So I stick by my statement that they are extremly differentiated. They are doing what In there opinion is "best for them". They are enmeshing themselves with a different person, becuase of a perceived (true or not) lack in the SO ability to sooth there need, desire, want. Even despite the pain of loss(withdrawal), guilt, etc. Its all very foggy. Kind off like people on drugs, who think they are doing amazing things, or saying profound things, untill they see/hear a recording of it played back later and they realize.... boy that was really effing dumb.
I agree with your comments though.
Quote: I find it very hard to conceive of a truly differentiated (how about self aware. cognizant. responsible for self. someone who lives there life instead of letteing life live them. ) person having an affair. People like this are usually very enmeshed (husband and wife will be enmeshed. its unavoidable, and is not a negative aspect.) and have the affair to get back at their spouse, (self destructive. vengeful. misplaced emotional energy. irrational. immature.) to flex some power, to defy the abandonment they feel (perception abilities. Making choices. Making decisions.) from their spouse. The truly differentiate self sufficient, non needy) person will try to work through the problems, and then if it can be resolved, divorce.
Hey look. a whole bunch of reasons not to get involved with married women, or women with BF's.
I know exactly why you think a highly differentiated style is what I need – because it paints me in the alpha male role. What you have been doing is being more assertive and puting your needs in a place of priority. You have also taken steps towards taking and having power Women find that attractive. Period. It is what it is.
But I disagree that a pure alpha male model is the objective toward which one should strive As much as I dont like seeing it discussed around here in general, I liked mojos comment on the difference between Alpha and Omega. I dont like it because most of the women on this forum DO in fact have Alpha H's or they would NOT in fact desire them so much. because of proximity or enmeshment they fixate on that ONE area of insecurity that they MUST have there H's fix, and find that even though they are great problem solvers or teriffic with helping OP baby step thru issues, becuase its there H they get 'icked'. Lack of appreciaton. Lack of perception control. You and I are here though so we can take it as a warning to continue to work on ourselves, remove/work on our insecurities, and when they challange us, do what we can, but differentiate by letting them deal with it, and definitely not apologizing when we cant or wont.
You have a great desire to be pysch healthy. You want to be fair, a good person, ethical. That is how I see you. (Oh yeah I dont really think you are narcisstic. I was just having fun throwing labels around. I knew you could handle it. He he he I love a full circle. ) I want to be those things too. But I also want my SO to desire me and want to F me senseless .... often. And there are certain manifestatations of behavior that create this desire in women. If you dont see it yet from the convos going on around here...... shrug. Yes they have to be balanced.
I think your comment on Heather’s thread that you would blow up her truck is a case in point. Burgbud rebutted that comment quite nicely I thought.
He didnt rebutt it at all. His comparison wasnt even apropos. Lets look at what I did. I took a symbol of the affair, and I destroyed it. yes it may have been theatrical, over the top and emotional. But I was venting anger towards an object/symbol. NOT a person, and not in a unsafe manner. I dont think the desert sands would be harmed long term by the outburst/explosion. . The action was also proactive --which is appreciated by females. Even when it should be their proaction. I dont think it was escalating either. I would happily replace the hated symbol with something else. Yes, selling it may be more financially sound. More emotionally controlled. Which I am for. So Mrs. Nops suggestion idea was much better, of course.
What burgbed suggested ---blowing up a persons vehicle who expressed that there spouse betraying them was more emotionally painful (which is a concious choice by there spouse and possible something they could have been a contributing factor too.) then there childs victimization (out of their control. The child truly is a VICTIM.) by another person is called vandalism and intolerance. Burgbud may have less of a emotional reaction to his SO cheating on him but Thats no call to engage in destruction of anothers personal property for expressing their feeling.
what I do with my property is my business. Expressing my self on other peoples property is not legal or acceptable.
Stop being cryptic. What other book are you talking about? Not my intention. I thought it would be obvious. "The women men adore and never want to leave."
Cobra. I think your doing really well. I just want you to remember that you will never get to a point in your R with your W where the 'tests', drama, issues, problems will completely go away. She will always need some sort of emotional juice to keep her needs/wants satisfied. To feel that you care and have a connection. If the drama/tests do go away you will find her becoming LD again. I know you want peace, quiet, free of strife life. Learn to stay above the fray when they happen, and enjoy/or at least deal with being in it.
Look at it like this. You want her to trust you. believe that you have good intentions for her and your family. She does. Once in a while she just has to test and make sure. If you pass it, which means doing what is best for you/her/ the family--preferable with a magnanimous dispostion, things will return to peace and quiet. If you dont--if you intead, acquiesce, and you try to 'fix it' with supplicating or placation... it will rapidly degenerate into her being less and less happy and more and more not nice, irritable, and testing you. She will be 'icked' out by you and there is nothing she can do to change that feeling. Only you can.
for example, In your sitch. she may complain about the finacial arrangement. You and she KNOW that she has not proven to be trustworthy or reliable with it. If she complained and you were to give her free reign again.... without a slow buildup and necessity of her showing increasing responsiblity in that area, that would be placating and not best for the family. She may want it and even nag about it, but in reality doing it will lead to disrespect for you from her.
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