Sorry, didn’t mean to offend you by citing your sitch, but I do believe you were not as well prepared as you could have been to handle the confrontation that occurred. But in a tense situation like yours, it is tough to do much growth. Defenses are just way to high. My point is that the work needs to occur before emotions enter the “red zone” as the Dog Whisperer puts it. Once in that zone, there is little you can do. My advice is geared toward never getting into that zone. It is too much of a knife edge.
Mojo,
What is your situation sexually?
Before all this blew up the first of this year, I had gone almost 4 months without sex. Then maybe sex for one or two times for a week or so, then another long dry spell. Now things have become more regular, about twice a week. Understandably my drive was very high before, being sex starved, but now it has diminished considerably. The analogy of food being the first priority to a starving man is very apropos for me. I found that my drive has moderated and is a lower priority now. It is still important to me but not as all consuming as it once was.
There is also more comfort in knowing that if I don’t have sex one weekend, I can still get it soon. Before, if I had a chance for sex and an argument came up, my next chance was completely uncertain and maybe weeks or months away. This created a lot of anger in me.
Did you decide that sex really wasn't your issue and that control issues surrounding parenting were more critical or is it just that you have to resolve the parenting issues before you can resolve your sexual issues?
Parenting issues were only part of the overall control issues. A while back money was a major problem. We could never get out of debt. No matter how my income grew over time, the spending went right along with it so that the leftover margin for debt payment/savings never changed. I finally cancelled the joint checking and took her off all my credit cards. I took myself off her credit cards but missed one. She pulled $8,300 in cash off that one which I have finally paid down. The other credit cards are now under control. Hopefully I can start saving soon. She is also working now and has her own money. I pay all the bills so she has no expenses other than gas, maybe a little food here and there, some toys/clothes for the kids. She put up a fight about this and brought it up in counseling several times but could never get a sympathetic ear. We have not argued over money for some time now.
She has also learned to let me have a say so over the kids. TKD was a big issue or a while. I have backed off pushing TKD and making the kids go to tournaments, though I would still like for them to attend at least once a year (and it’s been a year since their last tournament). Home schooling was an issue at one time too. I was opposed to this but tolerated it for a year. Now they are all in public school and doing well so that has settled down. Arguments over my side of the family was another thing. I’ve stopped seeing my family as much so that too has diminished, though it is also partly due to busier schedules as the girls get older. So time has taken care of a lot of our problems. My taking action and forcing some changes has cured other things. Growth by both of us has helped to cure the rest.
Did your W's bid for dominance in parenting make you seek to prove your dominance sexually beyond your natural desire for sexual pleasure?
No, I don’t think this ever played a factor. I’ve never had any issues sexually and have always been more willing to do more than just the standard positions. She is a little more reserved, but not prudish.
We don’t have that kind of heavy EC type of “making love” sex that you have as new lovers in college. But the sex is still good so I don’t really care. My only complaint is that she doesn’t like to show her belly, where she has excess skin and fat. She has said she would like to get a tummy tuck, which I am fine with, but I don’t know when she’ll ever do that.
The struggles we had were more for control over issues rather than exerting dominance over one another. This distinction is subtle but significant. To me, dominance is trying to subjugate me and I never felt she was trying to do that. I was not trying to subjugate her either, though I’m not sure how she felt about it.
