How to Push into the Crucible

[Fighting4Wife]

Cobra,

Very well thought out and informational post.

As we have seen on so many of these threads, and now most recently Fighting4Wife, pushing your spouse into the crucible before you are able to handle the resulting reactions can be disastrous. I believe it is critical to have a good handle on your own issues before turning up the pressure, otherwise YOU are bound to erupt (and you should EXPECT your spouse is going to erupt). If you cannot hold onto yourself, then possibly irreparable damage can occur. F4W is there. I was almost there too. Mojo has been gracious enough to let us see the process firsthand and understand the personal pain we must go through to learn differentiation, to begin to identify our two choice dilemmas, or determine if the issue is even important enough to put forth to our spouse as a dilemma.

A bit of exception to the use of my situation in your thread. First I am not angered, so do not read this as such.

I will state that the only ones that know the relationship is those in the relationship. I am fully prepared for the fall out of my actions, which were not fear driven but rather confrontational from her actions and non-actions that we had agreed to cease doing, and the results and threats that my wife has made. That does not mean that I am going to jump for joy that they will or might happen. It does not mean that I am going to enjoy the devastating effects of them. But to stay in limbo or paralyzed by inaction and fear of the what may happen is not being differentiated. I have researched and gotten information that makes the result if she follows through very unpalletable. But also, the result of not moving forward (gridlock, which I believe is a Gottman term) is also not pallettable. So it comes down to what are you willing to compromise and live with.

As stated the solution that my wife is choosing is one that stems from her fears and her inability or unwillingness to look at them and address them. That is her growth that is not taking place.

I agree that frustrations do creep in when we see ourselves applying effort and gaining knowledge for growth and our partners remain in the dark, holding onto a defensive stance and lashing out and throwing blame. Yes I was there, yes we all get there.

Oddly I see similarities in where you were with your wife and where I am right now. The outcomes may be completely different because the realtionships and factors in them are completely different.

Who is to say that this is not the genesis of my wife's journey for her own personal change. That journey may or may not include me as her spouse. That is her choice. But to say that where I am at and the status of our relationship as irrepairable, is a bit of an assumption and fatalistic.

I am quite able to hold onto myself. But I am also going to state that holding onto yourself does not mean that you are devoid of emotional human response and feelings. We are not robotic in our interpersonal communications. If divorce is the final outcome of this than the proof of being differentiated comes in how I grieve the end of my marriage and how I move past it in time.


F4W