Well guys, looks ike my H and I are moving on to the "maintenance" portion of our MCing and out of the "problem" portion!
Since our HUGE blow-up in February things have progressively gotten better in the GEL household. In the last three months in particular I have seen some BIG behavioral changes in my H towards me. He's talking more to me about things that are on his mind, even just to vent. He's open to talking to me when I have a concern or a trigger (without automatically going into fight/flight mode). He's also being more amorous towards me on a more regular basis. Does that mean our sex life has increased dramatically....nope. What it does mean is that the intimacy in our R has greatly increased....pretty much stayed at an elevated level, sure it fluxuates...but even the low intimacy days are much higher than they had been in the past. Why? I wish I could say for sure....all I can really pinpoint it to is that there has been a paradigm shift in his way of thinking about our R and about me as well. It's as if he's no longer seeing me as an amicable enemy, but as a partner/wife/lover who wants to work with him.
Several times over the last month in particular my H has told me how ashamed he is that he did what he did online (gotta tell you guys, I really needed to hear that too.) He's done this without my provocation either...it's just something he threw in during conversation, he did it again yesterday in our MC session.
Naturally we told our MC that we were invited to go on the Dr. Phil show too....she thought that was absolutely great! LOL I was surprised when she said "you should have gone", not necessarily to air our dirty laundry....but to help show other couples that people CAN work through tough issues like ours. You guys should have seen how my H's chest just puffed up at that compliment LOL.
So anyway....we are now going to be seeing her just once every couple of months, to see how we're doing and see if there's anything else we need to work on. WHEW! After nearly 2 1/2 years of regular counseling we finally get a break
Can you guys tell I'm feeling pretty good right now....it feels good to be happy!
That is so wonderful. I am so happy for you. I wrote to Dr. Phil a long time ago (in previous R) and didn't get a response. Must have been a heck of a letter! Wouldn't it be something to see one of our couples here on tv with someone like Schnarch or MWD?
This is just great news! Your comment got me thinking that your sitch is such a great example for all of us. You ask:
Why? I wish I could say for sure....all I can really pinpoint it to is that there has been a paradigm shift in his way of thinking about our R and about me as well.
Well, I see you as one of the few success stories on this board, not just in patching over irritations, or learning to tolerate the other person, but as having driven through real changes by confronting core issues, meaning those changes are probably going to be permanent and lasting. Some other issue could come up, but the particular issues you have been dealing with look like they are being resolved.
I see that you used all the techniques at your disposal – setting firm boundaries, following through on those boundaries, addressing the FOO issues in both of you, making yourself vulnerable to him and leading him to in turn show his needs, then affirming those needs, not trampling on his ego, weaning him toward feeling empowered and basically nurturing him along toward maturity in the same way a good mother would do for her son. He was still a child in many ways, and a hurt child at that. I can’t think of anything you did that could have been improved upon.
Following on my latest themes, it seems like all of this brought together the other-validation and the self-validation approaches, by addressing his core fears. This was an attachment type of approach you used. No wonder he feels like a part of the team now and that the two of you stand together to fight the dragon! Great job!!!
Thanks for the congrats! Lord knows it's been a tough road, and there were MANY times I didn't know if we'd make it through, but we did. I still stand by my 3-P's, Patience, Perserverence, & Persistence.
I'll have to admit that for a bit it felt really strange to me not to have that constant tension between us. When that melted away we both had to get used to a new relationship between us. Now we have this really quiet, comfortable, cozy kind of feeling going for us.
I know you must be busy getting ready for Halloween with your little ones....so I have to share this with you. Last night I was busy getting our sons costume made (he's gong to be Franklin the Turtle)...and I was making the shell for the costume. As I was quilting the shell to the frame our son was petting the shell saying "it's ok turtle, momma's fixing you." LOL He was just cracking both my H and I up with how he was behaving with this inanimate object....just pretending it was as real as could be. Can't wait to see how he looks in it!
I grew up in the country and we didn't do Halloween. No neighbors near enough. So I have absolutely NO connection to this 'holiday' and would rather skip it. Yep, I'm a halloween scrooge. I had H talked into it this year when he came home last night wanting to attend a part on Saturday night. So I've got 3 days to come up with costumes for the kids, yikes!
My 4 yr old, whose love language is most *definitely* physical touch (double triple and to-infinity yikes) wants to be a mermaid, like Ariel. I said No way on the shells covering your breasts--if you can call a 4 year old's flat bee stings breasts, lol--that is too racy so who knows what she will ask for next. Last year she asked to be a waterfall. I spent about 10 minutes trying to mentally engineer that one before I said Think of another one.
Have a good safe night with your turtle. Can he tie his shoes and count by 2's?
LOL..he sure is working on it. Hey! the mermaid one wouldhave been easy peasy though. Just get her a pink ballet leotard and sew stuff all over the top part of it. Seaweek looking stuff...shells fish....there'd have been nuthing showing LOL.
Since we live out in the country so far we don't exactly get trick-o-treaters (which I miss from living in town) but we will be taking him to the Zoo for their trick-or-treating event at night, and his school party is tomorrow. I may take him into town on Halloween too. Hey! I'm spending hours making this friggin costume...we're gonna get a bit of mileage from it LOL.
awwww Gel, that is too cute! As a kid I loved Halloween...now it creeps me out. I miss my kids' cutesy cotumes. D(almost)14 is making her own creative weirdo thing, and S12 is going to be Darth Vader...yes, my little boy has gone to the dark side.
Have fun and congrats on all that family harmony...it does feel weird, doesn't it? Part of me just wants to get into some conflict and mess it up...guess that's why I'm baaack.
