This is just great news! Your comment got me thinking that your sitch is such a great example for all of us. You ask:
Why? I wish I could say for sure....all I can really pinpoint it to is that there has been a paradigm shift in his way of thinking about our R and about me as well.
Well, I see you as one of the few success stories on this board, not just in patching over irritations, or learning to tolerate the other person, but as having driven through real changes by confronting core issues, meaning those changes are probably going to be permanent and lasting. Some other issue could come up, but the particular issues you have been dealing with look like they are being resolved.
I see that you used all the techniques at your disposal – setting firm boundaries, following through on those boundaries, addressing the FOO issues in both of you, making yourself vulnerable to him and leading him to in turn show his needs, then affirming those needs, not trampling on his ego, weaning him toward feeling empowered and basically nurturing him along toward maturity in the same way a good mother would do for her son. He was still a child in many ways, and a hurt child at that. I can’t think of anything you did that could have been improved upon.
Following on my latest themes, it seems like all of this brought together the other-validation and the self-validation approaches, by addressing his core fears. This was an attachment type of approach you used. No wonder he feels like a part of the team now and that the two of you stand together to fight the dragon! Great job!!!
