Well since I left off my update with talking about my H's defensive behavior...I'll pick up with that as well, only this time praising him for making an attempt to shift that behavior.
Yesterday my H and I met up at our Dr's office (where we get our allergy shots). We never end up there at the same time due to our schedules, but for once we did. So while we waited we talked a bit about our days. My H started telling me about a situation he'd been dealing with at work (so I shut up and listened) and he went on to tell me how he dealt with it that day....by not getting defensive and listening to what the guy had to say, then working towards a solution. While I listened he told me that this approach really seemed to work better for him and that he'd been trying to do that more with the guys that work for him. I took the opportunity at that point to ask him...why he felt that approach worked better. He said, because if I'm calm and I listen to them and HEAR what they have to say....I can help fix the problem easier. If I just jump to the defensive I'm busy trying to think of reasons why something wasn't my fault, or why it was someone else's fault on another shift....so I'm completely missing what the other guy is telling me, which only makes him madder and we kind of go back and forth from there.
So I said..."That's great honey! I've noticed that you aren't as stressed out when you get home....AND that you've been stopping to listen to me at home more too. Have you been trying that on me at home too...or is it just risidual left from doing that at work ?" His response was something like "I probably have been doing that at home too, but now I'm not having to think so much about it. One thing's for sure though....when you told me I ALWAYS jumped to the defensive before....you were right, I did and I didn't even know I was doing it until I started paying attention when I'd talk to the guys in the shop. I started doing the mental "stop" and it helped."
So it wasn't a very long conversation at all...and I made sure to validate the effort and changes he's made. It's not an easy thing to shift your reactions and way of responding to people/situations. This literally took a shift in his way of thinking. It took him mentally stopping himself from doing something that had become habit and creating a new habit...and it took doing it more than once to see the results. This is great improvement for him!!! I have to say too....GOD does it make it easier to talk to him LOL.
?" His response was something like "I probably have been doing that at home too, but now I'm not having to think so much about it. One thing's for sure though....when you told me I ALWAYS jumped to the defensive before....you were right, I did and I didn't even know I was doing it until I started paying attention when I'd talk to the guys in the shop. I started doing the mental "stop" and it helped."
