Well sometimes he asks me to clarify if we're having a conversation, but rarely if it's me ticking off things I need to take care of during the week that I will need his help with (which was what this instance was about), because that's usually very clear to begin with (I need you here at x time, or I need you to pick up our S (or take him to daycare) on this day because...)
The thing we have been going through lately....and in my mind this is kind of funny, but I can see it's something he struggles with is this......telling me I didn't say something to him, when I know for a fact....that I did.
My H has this all too human habit of not always listening when I'm speaking to him (I know, how dare he....considering we all do that LOL). Anyway, his mind interperets "I told you xyz a few days ago" as "you idiot why didn't you know that?!" It's merely habit for him. So instead of wanting to feel like an idiot (and believe me guys...I don't treat him like an idiot if he doesn't remember something" he'll get really defensive and tell me "you never told me xyz!"
Well since I'm human I also have a tendancy to react at times, and sometimes get pulled into that "No you didn't, yes I did....whose on 1st routine". It finally dawned on me the other day when we were going round and round about one of these instances that he was seeing once again doing this "I'm right, you're wrong" thing. It was as if he viewed it in a manner that said if he admitted he didn't remember something I said #1 he'd get in trouble (not true) and #2 he'd be admitting a flaw. So when that dawned on me I looked at him and said "Honey, it's ok not to remember something I've said to you. Heck! I forget stuff all the time that you tell me, that's why I ask you questions sometimes. We're both human...we get distracted, or sometimes we just simply forget."
I've learned with him to recognize that defensiveness and when he's interpereting something as me trying to prove him wrong, and then do what I can to diffuse that interpretation. I don't get angry about it, I just remind him that it's ok...he's allowed to make mistakes, forget things, and in general be human....just as I am. It's not a one-way street.
Last time when I told him it was "ok to forget something I told him"...he just got quiet. It was as if I could literally see the dynamite fuse go out. I could see the cogs in his brain working when I said that and almost see that lightbulb go on when he realized himself that he was getting defensive about something...when I wasn't attacking him, and he stopped. Visual improvement like that to me is priceless.
