Last week my H and I had a MC session, one I found fairly interesting. Approximately a week or so prior to our session I was feeling pretty bummed...but not quite sure why, the night before our session I figured it out. Things have improved for us tremendously...but I realized I was bummed because I was mourning a loss. What loss?
I was mourning the loss of the lover I would never have in this M. The man I had become conditioned to believe was supposed to exist as my husband. You know the guy...the sweep you off your feet and romance you til you drop guy. Was it that guy I was having a tough time letting go...or was it the belief that this is what my H was "supposed to be"? I came to realize that it was simply the belief. When I realized that though I also realized I had to go through a type of mourning to let that belief go completely....and that it was ok to do so. Once I came to this conclusion I felt so much better.
In our MC session I communicated this to my H and our MC...and said "I'm mourning the fact that I married someone who isn't interested in being a "lover"....he wants a wife, friend, and mother for his child....but he doesn't appear to want a lover, and also doesn't appear to want to be one." I also explained that I'm coming to terms with this but that it's not easy to completely let go of something like that.
BTW...I did also tell them both that as far as I'm concerned in so many ways (including intimacy & sex) we've come lightyears....but I'm still the one taking charge...but coming to terms with that.
I would have thought my words might have been a relief to my H...but he had a reaction I didn't quite see coming (not a radical one). He didn't seem to like the fact that I was letting go....and working on letting go of my "ideal". He told me several times "I'm really working on it"...and "I'm not there yet, but I will be"....even though I would respond by saying "but it's ok, I'm ok with us...we're doing so much better."
It's almost comical to me when I relive this in my mind....it's almost like me saying "but you don't have to do that now, it's ok" and he's saying "but now I really want to do this and I'm going to."
I said this months ago but I truly do believe that letting go of your perceptions of what should be and really working on accepting your partner for who they are is key to this process. It's really difficult sometimes...but it's interesting how it changes the dynamic.
