I completely understand your analogy about work. I too have been forced into jobs for work that ended up in some ways benefitting me. One of my roles here at work is instructor...I teach computer programs to our employees. I've always been put into a teaching role wherever I've gone....and it's against my natural nature to be in the spotlight. However I have a talent, and a skill with interacting professionally with people and making them feel at ease. So I've been put in classrooms full of people I don't know, having EVERYONE looking at ME. Now, I act like the ideal instructor....I have the knowledge, I have the talent, on the outside...I have the confidence. I will be flat-out truthful though....I have NEVER been comfortable in this role. I do it though because it's what I have to do to pay the bills....AND I can go home and escape that role and be GEL. IMPO...doing this and stepping out of your natural behavior at home, in an intimate setting are not the same things. At home, with the person I should feel safest with....I don't want to feel judged. I want to feel free to be me and be loved just as I am. My boss doesn't love me, that's not an intimate R...he pays me to do a job.
I will agree that there are things that you do just have to step up and do until you are no longer uncomfortable with whatever it is....said so myself before. Teaching has taught me not to be uncomfortable speaking in groups on topics I know about....but really all I do is ACT. The fact is though....you have to get someone comfortable enough, to feel safe enough, to step out of that comfort zone when you are talking about intimate issues and a one on one relationship that is as close as what we are discussing. For us, the thing that has worked is real acceptance of who my H is NOW.
Hmmmm....not sure I agree with this (We need to ask ourselves if what attracts us to a man who mostly acts Beta is really healthy. )
I know what attracted me to my H. They were good, admirable qualities....that I truly do love in him. I fell in love with someone who was my friend & who I was physically attracted to as well.
I understand your point in the question and why you would feel perhaps you need to ask that. I just wanted to state that I don't think it's a matter of healthy v unhealthy. For me what I was really battling against....is what society has taught me...as to how a man is "supposed" to behave sexually towards me.
I don't remember what program I heard this on...I think it might have been Oprah, when she had her therapist Robin on the show. I think she's the one who says that we often become involved and fall in love with a person who forces us to face our own fears and deal with our own issues from the past. I've heard her say that a few times now and really didn't think much about it.
I heard her say that again the other day though and this time it stuck with me. I found myself thinking about the growth I've experienced personally through dealing with our issues. The changes I've made within myself....are changes I've wanted to make for quite some time but for some reason just didn't.....but now suddenly I realize that through dealing with my H and the problems we have had....those changes have taken place within me.
I can so very clearly see now how that what Robin has said about meeting someone who forces/enables you to face your fears and deal with issues is something that is truly happening in my R with my H. We all know far too well by now that my H has issues that go way back for him....but until my H met me he hadn't been with a woman who challenged him to face his issues (for real), or as he puts it "who really cared" and stuck by him throughout that process.....AND loved him for who he really is.
He in turn, without knowing it has forced me to do things I have never done before...things I have needed to learn to do such as really speak my mind and ask for what I really want and need out of the relationship...without worrying that I'm going to hurt his feelings or run him off. Dealing with our problems has also taught me that what I thought I wanted....wasn't necessarily what I really needed.
I am sorry to hear your husband has these medical issues. Wow he is pretty young for bone degeneration. And oh my word kidney stones have got to be miserable. Did he pass it yet? Don't they admit them to help them along? I know with my mom they admitted her for 48 hours when she one. They pumped her with an extreme amount of fluids.
No they haven't admitted him due to the kidney stones, but he does have an appointment with his urologist this week to see what's going on.
I know the kidney stones have him a bit upset, but the back thing really has him worried...he has an appointment to see a specialist about that on Monday. Hopefully that will come back as nothing serious, I know it's weighing on his mind quite a bit as my H is a very active outdoorsy person....and his job requires him to be quite active as well.
Actually we've both been a bit puny lately. I've not been feeling up to snuff myself for a few months....I just had attributed it to my allergies. When I finally went to an allergist last week though (never had been tested) I found out that I've had an infection in both of my sinuses for quite some time.....no freakin wonder I've been so exhausted lately! I mean, it hasn't affected me much other than sneezing my head off and blowing my nose so much it's raw....but now I know why I've been so fatigued myself lately (more than chasing your average 3 yr old around would do LOL).
Hopefully my H in particular will have some answers this week. I certainly hope so, I'm starting to get a bit cranky from the lack of sex LOL. But I certainly do understand this time why it's not on his mind. The EC is still going strong though, just this past Friday night we had a date night and went out to dinner. He was so affectionate....and almost gushy towards me. It was really nice, he's honestly made great strides in his interaction with me.
It's kind of interesting too in the fact that the other day I came across some old letters he'd saved (I don't even think he knows he still had them, he's such a pack rat). They were letters from his XW and an XGF. I probably shouldn't have read them, but I did. In some ways it really bothered me that he still had them....but I know they were from 97 & 98, years ago. In those letters I read about a man that was so much different than the one I know now. He has in the past told me how he used to be....he used to be very controlling and everything had to be his way....I couldn't have lived with him back then. Honestly, reading those letters did help reinforce to me all the work he has done on himself....for me....for us.
Ok...it's tough for me to stay away from my friends here, I admit it LOL.
I will say though that I have found cutting back on my posting here has helped (as fond as I am of all of you). Ok I'm going to give a bit of an update....that may suprise some of you. As some of you may have read my H is having some health problems...in fact he's going to the Dr. today to find out if he has a degenerative disease in his spine...please keep good thoughts for him today. I just looked on my calendar and realized that it's now been 7 weeks since we last ML....approx 5 weeks since our last attempt which I put a stop to.
Now, yes...I will say that it's bothering me some (but really just some, not really wearing on me). I've figured out though why it's not bothering me nearly as much as it used to.....WE, as a couple, HAVE CHANGED. The past 3-4 days I've been sort of really paying attention to how we interact....and honestly, it's so much different now than it was pre Dday with him.
In the past....there would have been very little joking around with each other (my H is too serious much of the time). This weekend I noticed that we kept getting into these little mock tiffs....where we were just joking around about something we were doing; it was a lot of fun. I didn't realize it at the time but it's something that I never felt comfortable doing with him in the past....and it's something he just wouldn't have done in the past either. We had a FUN weekend, even though we didn't really do anything....it's the EC at work.
Another change I've noticed is he's now calling me things like "sweetheart" on a regular basis. Calling me during the day just to say "I was thinking about you.".....AND, AND, AND....telling people (with me in earshot) how happy he is and that he may not be rich monetarily speaking, but he's the richest man in the world because he has Ian and I in his life. I literally teared up when I heard him say that to his mom on the phone. He said the same thing again to his best friend the other day, but didn't know I overheard it then.
In addition, my H is becoming more physically affectionate towards me too. True, we've been in a sexual dryspell....but his actions are different now. Even though we haven't ML in quite some time....he's still afffectionate physically with me. I've hesitated to do anything sexual because honestly....I don't know how he feels physically. I know his back bothers him...that's pretty much a given right now....but I don't know how he feels due to this freakin kidney stone. So...if nothing else I've been holding back to wait and see if he can pass that sucker (I'm beginning to think it's just attached itself to him permanently LOL).
I guess I just wanted to post this to let those HD people out there know that the EC really makes a HUGE difference. We aren't burning up the sheets currently.....but I'm so much happier with my H than I've been in quite some time regardless.
Sorry to hear of H's health problems but I'm so glad to hear of the rest of your progress. You two are one of the few examples that the rest of us can aspire to. I will keep you both in my prayers. Something you said was interesting to me as it relates to my sitch.
Quote:
This weekend I noticed that we kept getting into these little mock tiffs....where we were just joking around about something we were doing; it was a lot of fun. I didn't realize it at the time but it's something that I never felt comfortable doing with him in the past.
W and I do that too but with one important exception. We tend to do it only in public. In front of friends or in the grocery store, etc. It's like we are trying to convince those around us, as well as ourselves that we are the quintessential cute, happy couple. If we were naturally like that as you seem to be getting with your H, things would be a lot less tense. As it is, it seems like an elaborate production aimed at self-deception.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
So glad to hear that things are good. You, HP and the Nops are what keeps me hanging in here a lot of days. People do have real successes in their M's.
I think that's why it jumped out at me so much (the mock fighting). We were at home, we were by ourselves...no one else around to see it....I think that's why I enjoyed it so much too. My H was playing with ME, ME! FINALLY!
This stuff was going on too even though we could have had a couple of really tense situations. My H got a new computer for his birthday. This weekend I was transferring files from our old computer onto the new one and well....before you know it a few viruses and trojan files etc attached themselves. I've gotten rid of almost all of them but one...which just so happens to have a porn site pop up (yeah, with our issues huh?)
I told my H about it and explained that I knew about this and what it was....so he wouldn't suddenly freak out if it was there (and I saw it on a keylogger, or walked into the room before/after him and it was there (it's the same screen everytime) Anyway....he looked at me like "see I told you they just pop up", I couldn't help but look right back at him and say "I never said they don't just pop up, but I'm smart enough to know the difference between a pop up....and something you clicked on". As I said that I winked at him....and he just went "fair enough". In the past this would have been a highly flammable situation for us....not this time.
Another thing I noticed my H do this weekend, which was a bit out of his normal character was this. Yeterday...we were doing some chores outside....and our son was playing in the yard. Well...being the little boy he is he eventually discovered a puddle and was dabbling playing in it (throwing rocks in it). I could see how badly he wanted to just jump right in the middle of it(takes after mom that way). He needed a bath anyway....and I was getting ready to tell him to go ahead and jump in :-) Right at that time my H tells him to stay away from that puddle! I looked up at my H and asked him "is there really any harm in letting him play in it?"....rather than "there isn't any harm in letting him play in that puddle." I told my H "Ian needs a bath anyway and he is ALL BOY afterall"...and grinned at him. My H just smiled and said "you have a point....gotta let the boy be a boy :-)"
That little scenario resulted in us laughing our butts off at our son as he stripped down and went swimming in a mud puddle LOL. I now have several blackmail photos of our son entitled "Redneck Swimming Pool" LOL....and a movie clip of our naked son walking away from this mud puddle covered in mud & dirt saying "Be Right Back!" LOL.
My point? My H is thinking/processing things differently. He wouldn't have been allowed to play in that mud puddle, and my H is a fastidiously neat person as far as his appearance goes so to him jumping in a mud puddle would always be out of the question. Not for mom though. I'm still known for jumping in the middle of a puddle in a parking lot without warning LOL.
My H definitely go some immediate satisfaction out of his change of behavior by watching his son have the time of his life! We have the memories of that day on film too!!
You know, at the beginning of this process...I'm not sure what my H and I have right now would have been my definition of "success". Now that I'm living it though...it's definitely "success". It's amazing to me that what we initially think we want to be happy....isn't necessarily what we need to be happy.
RE: GEL I don't know how he feels physically. I know his back bothers him...that's pretty much a given right now....but I don't know how he feels due to this freaking kidney stone.
I had 1 back surgery and was supposed to have a second but chose physical therapy instead.
About back pain and sex: (Your H's back condition and problems may be different so my information might not apply)
I do one exercise while laying on my back on the bed where I suck my stomach in, tilt my pelvis toward my head, flatten my back against the mattress and hols that for 10 seconds and do it 10 to 15 times. It is easy to do and feels good.
Translate this into ML.
Just put BB on top and let me do some or most of the moving and this is how we have sex. It just worked out this way because BB does not want much weight on her during sex and she wants her back and hair rubbed during coupling. I can do this except on all of the really bad days, which might be 10 days a year, which leaves 355 days a year to ML.
And oh my word kidney stones have got to be miserable. Did he pass it yet? Don't they admit them to help them along? I know with my mom they admitted her for 48 hours when she one. They pumped her with an extreme amount of fluids.
