I guess for me that's fairly easy to answer. I want to be who I am naturally right? I’m sure you do too….we all just want to be who we are (it’s just that the majority of us on this BB are HD in the R). Well, so does my H. The man he is just simply is not naturally an Alpha type of personality and it's not fair of me to ask him to be something he simply isn't. From what I've learned about his past...it's just not him, he's never been that way...so why should he have to become something he never was just because it's what I would like? I married him as he is, not as I want him to be.
Asking him to exhibit behaviors that are not natural to him would be like asking me to be a really loud, outgoing type of person who is always the center of attention in a crowd of people…that would give me a panicky feeling. It's just not me. You guys might not believe it on here....but I'm naturally a very quiet person....I don't mix well at parties, I tend to stay to the outside of the crowd and observe, I'm not a big socializer. I have a very definite shy side. I’ve always had a very sexual side to my personality there was just a period of time I was uncomfortable showing it. My H…isn’t a sexual person. Yes he enjoys sex…but exhibiting assertive behaviors to get it is not natural to his personality. Out of the two of us though, I have the dominant personality.
Now...if someone came to me (take my personality example) and said....every 3rd time we go out I want you to behave like this (wear something really bright so no one will miss you, be loud, be funny, be really outgoing, and stand right in the middle of everything)...I would panic, I’d feel pressured to be that way, and me...being who I am, an introvert....would find myself shrinking into the corner because I so very much hate to be the center of attention. It would be very tough for me to force myself to do that, I would feel very self conscious, and very inadequate trying to do that.
That's no different for my H. IMPO many Alpha behaviors go against my H's personality (therefore he's not comfortable doing them and they feel false to him). So for my H, should I go to him and say "Ok, every 3rd time I want you to assertively initiate sex with me...he will shrink from that pressure." That's exactly what he had been doing with me for several years Mojo. If he were an alpha male he'd do those things naturally but he's not. So for him he would have the pressure on him to do xyz (that's already uncomfortable) and then have the pressure of doing it well enough to make me happy with it (performance anxiety if you will.)
The freedom (I think) he's experiencing now from this true acceptance of him is that now he feels I'm truly happy with HIM, the real him…just as he is, so the pressure is off to HAVE to do xyz just to make me happy. I don't know that I can explain why this is either, but now the feeling between us are much easier, relaxed, more giving....and NOW he's doing some things that he didn't do before (things I had asked of him to be honest). Before I don't think he did these things though because of the pressure he felt of not being good enough, not accepted (he felt if he tried something before it wouldn't be good enough anyway...so why try?) Now the things he does do, or tries to do, aren't typically alpha behavior they are more subdued, but these things are a definite improvement over what he had been doing...which was very little....and he's starting to experiment more too. Another benefit is that he's doing much more to speak MY love language to me....which really fosters the EC. He's spending more time with me (I'm a QT person). He's doing more WITH me instead of on his own or on the computer....we are taking on more projects together....stuff like that.
The thing I find interesting though is that…I’ve never come out and said anything about the fact that now I accept him just as he is. I just did it…never communicated that to him, and the changes are happening. The only thing I truly communicated to him was that I was going to stop hiding a side of myself that was a big part of who I am (my sexual side). I’m sure though that somehow some of my other behaviors must have changed towards him too in ways I’m unaware of as a result of doing both things.
What I will tell you though is that with this newfound acceptance....he IS beginning to experiment with some behaviors because he doesn't feel the pressure of being good enough, he feels the freedom to do it HIS way. He IS beginning to try a few things (like being more assertive about a position during sex (generally non-verbally), or talking dirty to see what he's comfortable saying)...stuff like that. It even rolls over to some just flirty behavior on the phone with me or at home in the kitchen.
He's most likely NEVER going to exhibit those Alpha Male traits that I do appreciate in many of the men on this BB....but I'm learning that there are many things he can do, that I appreciate just as much...but they are in his own way in his own style.
