Thank you all for your care and concern. One thing I will clear up straight away. The physical abuse I was alluding to is totally linked to the fact that his way of thinking is not to listen to what I'm saying but get really angry and frustrated with me. That was what happened when he left on Tuesday night. In fact it is difficult to call it physical abuse because he doesn't actually hurt me and it's more threatening than really abusive although I realise the threat is almost as bad. There have been two other incidents, one of which involved a door and a table more than it did me. I don't put up with it and on both previous occasions, actually this recent one as well, I have told him to get out of my life. But he never left and promised me that it would never, ever happen again. But to date his promises have not been his strong point and both that and the temper tantrums are part and parcel of the whole problem between us. I seriously mean it when I say he is not a violent man. I also believe that if he does turn himself around those attitudes will change, they have to and the thought of temper tantrums will not be part of an acceptable package as far as I'm concerned. I don't treat them lightly with him and if I thought for a second that physical abuse was going to be in the picture, there would be no door left open. It would be locked, bolted and barred.
I have told him that I have no reason to believe that what he is saying and thinking will last, experience tells me that it never has before. Also that I will not do any work on this marriage any more. He must find out what he needs to do for himself and by himself and for his own sake, no matter what happens between us. It would be a pointless exercise to do it for me because it just wouldn't work. I will not let him back home and if he wants me then he has got to do what is necessary for me to fall in love with him again. He wants communications on my terms and does not want this marriage to end. At this point he will do whatever I want him to do but this time I'm not going to write the guidelines for him. He must search for all the answers himself. I've spent 15 years talking and now it's his turn. He must address the issues with himself and with me. I won't be rushing into anything because this has got to be do or die. It has to fit with my needs or it won't work. He says he loves me and now he has to live it and prove it and stand up and be counted for it. I very sincerely hope he finds the courage and the determination to do it. For all our sakes.
And if it works, the biggest use of the internet he's going to have in the future is to come here and help out the people here who might benefit from his experience. He knows what this forum has done for me and will have done for him too.
