Dear Joanne, Your situation reminds us all again that when one spouse truly gives up, it often allows the other spouse to feel the pain- for the very first time. So, now this has happened in your marriage.
And of course, the fact that you would want to keep the door open to see if the changes are genuine is absolutely what you should do. People can always get divorced. So can you, if that's what you ultimately decide to do. But you have an opportunity here. People often don't change until they hit rock bottom and maybe, just maybe, that's exactly where your husband is. So give him the benefit of the doubt. In your own mind, that is.
You see, you are also right about the dangers of letting him know that you are softening in any way. Let him win you back. Take all the time you need to see what happens. Go slowly, it's really, really important that you do. Now it's your turn to decide how this marriage should be and unless it starts moving in that direction, you need to move on. However, if his changes are real and lasting, you have a wonderful opportunity to make your marriage better than ever.
I must admit, Joanne, that I am not familiar with the nature or extent of the abuse to which you alluded. Make sure that this is no longer a part of your life. You decide how you will be able to tell that. Physical abuse should not be tolerated, but you know that already.
I do, however, firmly believe that people can change, even when there's physical abuse. They can learn ways to control their anger. Their spouses can learn ways to protect themselves better. It is not a hopeless situation by any means, just one that should not be minimized or overlooked.
I must say though, that since I've been reading your posts, you strike me as an incredibly intelligent and strong woman. I trust that you will do what is best for you and that you have the resources to make that happen.
I am very glad that you felt safe enough to come to this site and even after you said it was over, you are rethinking your position. There probably aren't alot of other places both on the net and in the real world that people would understand your change of mind. I do. We do. You are absolutely right to keep the door open to love.
