OK everyone, take a deep breath and please yell at me if I need it. I was a mess of tears today, shock worn off and anger - well, I never can maintain anger for long. I was beating myself up because after all he has done to me, I couldn't help wanting him to turn into a human being and make all this right. Why do we want these terrible horrible people in our lives. Well, we don't really, do we, we want them to be the people they should be and always think, well if they loved us they would be. However metamorphasis only happens to butterflies and in fairy tales and for those of us who take DB truly to heart. (Yes, that's most of us here)
I haven't been very nice about all this. After all that I had done, to have the past launched back into my present in such a way was more than this pretty good person could take. Vitriolic anger and angst was working rationally but verbally over the e-mail and the pain of all these years was put into print together with my usually eloquent version of exactly what I thought of him. I am passionate about my beliefs and values and sent a torrent over the net waves. I also sent the page from my post on Single Again with all it's replies. That's the first time I have ever let him know my post name on this forum. Brevity is not my strong point when I'm writing, as you all know, so he has had a lot to read on his internet cafe visits.
Then, I got a letter today. Three pages from a tortured, remorseful man. He wants nothing but what he deserves and acknowledges the years of pain that HE has put me through. He even said he was ashamed to say that he didn't really know me, so wrongly focused he was on himself. How he was living in a false world and couldn't see what I was trying to do, always thinking that I was trying to control him. So he went elsewhere to look for what he wanted and started the affair. But they both realised that it wasn't going anywhere and finished it physically although they have still kept in touch all this time just to see how the other was doing. He knows he was wrong not to tell me about it but didn't want to put me through all the feelings I'm having now but realised he shouldn't have kept it from me. And lots lots more.
He's hurting and admits that he is not a suitable husband or father and that I should not have been put through what I was because of him. I know what it has taken for him to say all this to me and that getting there has not been easy for him. He knows how serious I am and how far he has pushed me over the edge.
I'm scared and what I'm scared of is me. I'm not giving an inch right now because I'm not going to give in over his pain. He has to feel it and he has to fight for what he thinks is right. And he has to fight for me because that's what he really wants. I can't take the chance of going back to getting more of the same but can I really walk away if this truly is a sincere change. I'm not going to just take him back, no way, but do I leave the door open a crack to allow him to prove to me that this is for real.
I know myself and am the sort of person who can't give up if there is any reasonable doubt. There is the physical abuse as well, and I'm not making any excuses for it but I also know that if he has turned into a rational thinking human being, it won't happen again. He's not a violent man in any other situation and I know I don't have any reason to fear him. I say that in reality, not from any delusional reasons of love in spite of anything. Believe me, been there and done that in a different situation and would not hesitate to keep him out of my life for ever if that was the case.
I am left with a feeling that this is a true case of total detachment i.e. ending every part of him being in our lives and he has suddenly touched down to reality and wants to do something to change himself and make it better.
Jo you are not totally crackers. Your H has realized that you have detached and have had enough. You have him thinking because he realized you are ready to go with your life without him. True detachement usually is what turns things around.
Consider leaving the door open a crack and letting him know that you love him but are going on with your life and if he truly wants you back he has got make changes and show you he is willing to work hard at it.
In the meantime keep doing what you are doing. When and if he contacts you be pleasant and supportive of any efforts he is making to work on his problems. You might even let him know that it may take some time before you will be able to trust that he means what he says. Good Luck
I had to check your name to see if my wife was posting here! There are that many similarities between your H and me. I often hope that my wife's true feelings are to stay strong about the D just to make sure that my changes are real and permanent. The uncertainty from my point of view is tough, but keeps me strong and motivated to make sure I forever give my wife the unconditional love she deserves and I have for her.
My two cents for you - real change is possible, as you know. Even though it hurts me to say this, you need to play it out to make sure that your H is truly changing for the better. Us guys can be pretty stupid and slow, but we can also make remarkable, permanent turnarounds! I hope for your sake that your H is on this voyage of self-discovery and improvement.
Hi Joanne- I don't think you're nuts to leave the door open for your H, but there is one thing that jumps out at me that I think you should probably give extra care in considering what it would take to allow your H fully back into your life. It is the whole issue of physical abuse. I've never personally had to deal with it and I'm sure I can't quite imagine the horror of it, but it is something that terrifies me even when there seems to potentially be a hint of it. If your H is serious about changing and having the two of you in a healthy relationship then I would think that he might be willing to attend some type of anger management counseling. Because I'm not intimately familiar with all of the help that is out there for abusers I'm not sure what else to suggest. However, I do believe that there are many anger/abuse characteristics that are so hard to break that outside professional assistance is critical for longterm relief. I would judge his commitment and willingness to do what is necessary to rebuild your marriages in part by whether he is willing to stick to some plan including professional help.
I guess I say all of the above also from the standpoint of just worrying about your safety, physical and emotional. He needs to prove some things to you and the ball is in his court. If his dedication to repairing things is real then time will give you your answers. In the interim, I'd suggest possibly considering making a list of prerequisites to reconciliation. Mull the things over on your list, whether it is short or long, and then consider what would reasonably be shared with him. You can call the shots and accept him ultimately or not, but leaving the door cracked is probably wiser, given his treatment of you, then opening it fully and embracing him without evidence of changes, particularlly with respect to the physical abuse tendency.
With all of that in mind, I think your news is wonderful and there is hope that things can work out. Let H prove his sincerity on the key things. Best of luck--Jamie\
Dear Joanne, Your situation reminds us all again that when one spouse truly gives up, it often allows the other spouse to feel the pain- for the very first time. So, now this has happened in your marriage.
And of course, the fact that you would want to keep the door open to see if the changes are genuine is absolutely what you should do. People can always get divorced. So can you, if that's what you ultimately decide to do. But you have an opportunity here. People often don't change until they hit rock bottom and maybe, just maybe, that's exactly where your husband is. So give him the benefit of the doubt. In your own mind, that is.
You see, you are also right about the dangers of letting him know that you are softening in any way. Let him win you back. Take all the time you need to see what happens. Go slowly, it's really, really important that you do. Now it's your turn to decide how this marriage should be and unless it starts moving in that direction, you need to move on. However, if his changes are real and lasting, you have a wonderful opportunity to make your marriage better than ever.
I must admit, Joanne, that I am not familiar with the nature or extent of the abuse to which you alluded. Make sure that this is no longer a part of your life. You decide how you will be able to tell that. Physical abuse should not be tolerated, but you know that already.
I do, however, firmly believe that people can change, even when there's physical abuse. They can learn ways to control their anger. Their spouses can learn ways to protect themselves better. It is not a hopeless situation by any means, just one that should not be minimized or overlooked.
I must say though, that since I've been reading your posts, you strike me as an incredibly intelligent and strong woman. I trust that you will do what is best for you and that you have the resources to make that happen.
I am very glad that you felt safe enough to come to this site and even after you said it was over, you are rethinking your position. There probably aren't alot of other places both on the net and in the real world that people would understand your change of mind. I do. We do. You are absolutely right to keep the door open to love.
Thank you all for your care and concern. One thing I will clear up straight away. The physical abuse I was alluding to is totally linked to the fact that his way of thinking is not to listen to what I'm saying but get really angry and frustrated with me. That was what happened when he left on Tuesday night. In fact it is difficult to call it physical abuse because he doesn't actually hurt me and it's more threatening than really abusive although I realise the threat is almost as bad. There have been two other incidents, one of which involved a door and a table more than it did me. I don't put up with it and on both previous occasions, actually this recent one as well, I have told him to get out of my life. But he never left and promised me that it would never, ever happen again. But to date his promises have not been his strong point and both that and the temper tantrums are part and parcel of the whole problem between us. I seriously mean it when I say he is not a violent man. I also believe that if he does turn himself around those attitudes will change, they have to and the thought of temper tantrums will not be part of an acceptable package as far as I'm concerned. I don't treat them lightly with him and if I thought for a second that physical abuse was going to be in the picture, there would be no door left open. It would be locked, bolted and barred.
I have told him that I have no reason to believe that what he is saying and thinking will last, experience tells me that it never has before. Also that I will not do any work on this marriage any more. He must find out what he needs to do for himself and by himself and for his own sake, no matter what happens between us. It would be a pointless exercise to do it for me because it just wouldn't work. I will not let him back home and if he wants me then he has got to do what is necessary for me to fall in love with him again. He wants communications on my terms and does not want this marriage to end. At this point he will do whatever I want him to do but this time I'm not going to write the guidelines for him. He must search for all the answers himself. I've spent 15 years talking and now it's his turn. He must address the issues with himself and with me. I won't be rushing into anything because this has got to be do or die. It has to fit with my needs or it won't work. He says he loves me and now he has to live it and prove it and stand up and be counted for it. I very sincerely hope he finds the courage and the determination to do it. For all our sakes.
And if it works, the biggest use of the internet he's going to have in the future is to come here and help out the people here who might benefit from his experience. He knows what this forum has done for me and will have done for him too.
Jo, Thanks for filling us in. I am really glad that there was no physical abuse. I, for one, make a distinction between punching a door and punching a person. While both behaviors are unacceptable, they are not the same. Although acts of violence, whether to person or object, are intimidating and shouldn't be condoned, I consider violence towards people a much worse offense. So your message contain information that helps to explain your situation. Thanks.
Secondly, your response sounds great. I hope he does what it take to win you over and turn your marriage around. You deserve it. Please let us know how things go for you. Michele
