OK everyone, take a deep breath and please yell at me if I need it. I was a mess of tears today, shock worn off and anger - well, I never can maintain anger for long. I was beating myself up because after all he has done to me, I couldn't help wanting him to turn into a human being and make all this right. Why do we want these terrible horrible people in our lives. Well, we don't really, do we, we want them to be the people they should be and always think, well if they loved us they would be. However metamorphasis only happens to butterflies and in fairy tales and for those of us who take DB truly to heart. (Yes, that's most of us here)
I haven't been very nice about all this. After all that I had done, to have the past launched back into my present in such a way was more than this pretty good person could take. Vitriolic anger and angst was working rationally but verbally over the e-mail and the pain of all these years was put into print together with my usually eloquent version of exactly what I thought of him. I am passionate about my beliefs and values and sent a torrent over the net waves. I also sent the page from my post on Single Again with all it's replies. That's the first time I have ever let him know my post name on this forum. Brevity is not my strong point when I'm writing, as you all know, so he has had a lot to read on his internet cafe visits.
Then, I got a letter today. Three pages from a tortured, remorseful man. He wants nothing but what he deserves and acknowledges the years of pain that HE has put me through. He even said he was ashamed to say that he didn't really know me, so wrongly focused he was on himself. How he was living in a false world and couldn't see what I was trying to do, always thinking that I was trying to control him. So he went elsewhere to look for what he wanted and started the affair. But they both realised that it wasn't going anywhere and finished it physically although they have still kept in touch all this time just to see how the other was doing. He knows he was wrong not to tell me about it but didn't want to put me through all the feelings I'm having now but realised he shouldn't have kept it from me. And lots lots more.
He's hurting and admits that he is not a suitable husband or father and that I should not have been put through what I was because of him. I know what it has taken for him to say all this to me and that getting there has not been easy for him. He knows how serious I am and how far he has pushed me over the edge.
I'm scared and what I'm scared of is me. I'm not giving an inch right now because I'm not going to give in over his pain. He has to feel it and he has to fight for what he thinks is right. And he has to fight for me because that's what he really wants. I can't take the chance of going back to getting more of the same but can I really walk away if this truly is a sincere change. I'm not going to just take him back, no way, but do I leave the door open a crack to allow him to prove to me that this is for real.
I know myself and am the sort of person who can't give up if there is any reasonable doubt. There is the physical abuse as well, and I'm not making any excuses for it but I also know that if he has turned into a rational thinking human being, it won't happen again. He's not a violent man in any other situation and I know I don't have any reason to fear him. I say that in reality, not from any delusional reasons of love in spite of anything. Believe me, been there and done that in a different situation and would not hesitate to keep him out of my life for ever if that was the case.
I am left with a feeling that this is a true case of total detachment i.e. ending every part of him being in our lives and he has suddenly touched down to reality and wants to do something to change himself and make it better.
