When I first joined this forum, I started on this board because for 15 years I had fought for a good marriage with the right ingredients and I carried on with a total conviction that they could still be there. I am still very grateful that I found this site because it truly enabled me to find the strength to be myself and the courage to rely on nobody else.
However, I am also finishing on this post and I am truly sorry to be here saying what I am about to say.
I threw my husband out because his behaviour was intolerable - that's after dealing with it for 15 years. He said he didn't want to come back and I brought him back with the help of DB. That was nearly 3 months ago. In the beginning it was great and there were many things which lead me to believe that he was changing and starting to believe that this marriage could be good for him too and he could work on it. But he went away to work for 28 days and when he came back, there was a difference. Attitudes and behaviour were back to the same old way.
I have always asked for openness and honesty and when we got back together I told him it had to be with a clean slate. We had to start this marriage again, so we had to be totally truthful about everything. I am an intuitive and perceptive person and very sensitive to the changes in others. I knew there was something but didn't know what. I bring my children up to know that it is better to tell the truth because they may get punished but if they lie and I find out later, the punishment will be more severe. I said to him, if there is anything to tell me, tell me now so that we can deal with it and move on.
The long and short of it is I found the evidence and had to drag out the truth that he had an affair. This is the man who swore on his dead son's grave that he never had. In spite of me now knowing, he still continued to lie, not only that, but believes he should never have told me. He said he couldn't have told me before because this would have been the outcome.
I spent years being told by him that I was paranoid, by friends that I was crazy, he wouldn't do anything like that. I was forced to deny my instincts. Now I know they were right. Not only that, but the instincts about this that I have had over all these years. I know this wasn't a one off, that he has lied his way through our entire marriage. That's what I will never forgive.
The other thing I cannot forgive or tolerate is the fact that when he has consequences to face for his actions, he gets angry at me and this time (not for the first time, although the two other occasions were many years ago)he got me by the throat, pushed me back over a chair and threatened what he would do if I hurt the children. This is how screwed up his thinking is. He thinks I will hurt the children by telling them what their father has done to me. It doesn't enter his head that it is him doing this to them as well as to me.
And still he says he's committed to this marriage while he continues to lie to me. He phoned to say sorry for his behaviour, it was unforivable but one thing I have learned about this man is that he is never sorry for his actions, he is only ever sorry for himself. Faced with the consequences of his actions, ie me leaving and taking his children away from him, he thinks I should fix this and let him carry on the way he wants to.
Before this arose, I asked him what he would change about himself which would help to make our relationship better. His answer was to be more understanding. When I asked him what he thinks I should change, his answer was that I should be a happier person. He believes he is a good husband and father and in spite of everything he has done, most of which I don't know about, that I should be happy. He actually believes that lies are OK and the truth causes all the problems.
When I found this site, I did what I have always done, looked at what I was doing, taking the responsibility for the marriage and the relationship, seeing what I could do to make a difference, make it better. Trying to find what I was doing wrong. But at the end of the day, I wasn't doing anything wrong, I wasn't asking for anything that shouldn't have been there, or doing anything to cause him pain or betrayal making any problems between us.
Everything between us has been caused by his lying and his guilt. That's the bottom line. His anger and resentment and criticism against me was all because I got in the way, I spoiled his fun. He wanted to juggle a happy home life with all his extra curricular activities both in real life and on the net. The only person who had to deal with the consequences of his actions was me. And I'm the fool who has wasted the best years of my life doing just that.
But no more. I have reached my limit of how much I will take from this man. He has the integrity of a slug, the morals of a whore and no conscience whatsoever. He has had many, many chances to change but this was the last chance and he didn't have the guts to take it. This is not the kind of man I want in my life, nor should ever have had in my life. He's gone away for a week and thinks he will talk his way back into this family but it's way past time I kicked this man into touch. I'm not prepared to be the patsy he continues to lie to. I've compromised my values long enough, I've covered for him, I've supported him and I've enabled him to take everything from me and still want more from wherever he can get it. I've forgiven him time and time again but there comes a time when enough is enough and I have reached that point.
Nobody, not even you Michele, if you read this, can tell me that I should continue to put my trust and faith in this man and work for something better with him. I now know that he will not change, no matter what I do, it is all a waste of time. The only thing I am prepared to trust is myself and my instincts and I should have done that all along. I did the one thing, eventually, which you're not supposed to do, I snooped. But if I hadn't snooped this marriage would have continued with lies as it's foundation and me being made a fool of for goodness knows how long.
So I say farewell, dear friends. I don't feel able to give anyone any advice here any more. If I haven't been able to trust my own instincts, how can you trust them. Right now I am full of anger and bitterness which I feel I have a right to. It won't stay with me, I'll get over it. He can't hurt me any more anyway, I've lived that hurt for all these years and am at least now at peace because I know why.
I wish you all so, so much better than what I've ended up with. We all deserve that.
