Hi Jamie, I wanted to reply to the post you so kindly sent me a few days ago, but I can't remember on what thread it was, even though I was looking pretty diligently. You're right about my looking for signs of anything. I have been measuring and reading our relationship very carefully for the past two years. I didn't so much before then, and perhaps I should have been but hindsight as they say is 20/20. I am really trying to detach from this whole saga, and I was doing okay the last time we went down into this hole. It's just that I'm running out of steam big time. (Incidentally, I do work, and right now it's more than fuill-time and the baby is still up a couple of times a night -- three times last night -- so I know fatigue has something to do with my moods.) Problem is six or eight weeks ago, my h came out of the fog, said he had caused enough problems for everyone, humongous amount of pain for me, and wanted his life to go back to normal. He said he loved me, that I shown a great deal of patience and wisdom, etcetc. And then went away on his trip with OW for three weeks, always writing me, and trying to assure me nothing was happening. According to him, and I think I believe him, it was never a PA, but the point is he's been in and out oflove with her (by his own admission) for the past 2.5 years and he is and never has made any attempt to break the relationship, despite what any counsellors have told him he must do. There have also been other women he has pursued, and to what extent I don't know. This all mixed with the other stuff we've all heard, I don't love you etcetc. While he was away I was very upset about his being there with her, and let him know it. When he came back we talked a bit, and it was probably more of th same on my part, ie the pushing and not being happy about it. But frankly, it was also more of the same on his part -- refusing to budge, refusing to give me any signs of commitment or remorse or regret or of even trying to win me back in any way. I aske dhim to come to NYC with me for a few days, at the tail end of my business, and he reluctantly agreed, then made the whole trip miserable. I could tell he was growing more distant, and I did the wrong thing had a long talk and cryfest. Then when we returned I tried to do the detaching and keeping it light and so on. We were getting along much better, but he's still resisting on the ILU and there's no sign of his being open to counselling or anything. I have tried to back off, and leave things alone, but I guess the first email from him overseas with the love dropped off (he's a very deliberate man with his words) spoke such volumes to me. I can't go down that road again. The pain is unbearable, especially being pulled up and then thrown down again. This is the fourth time in less than two years and every time he goes through this cycle it lasts longer than the previous time. I have been reviewing our marriage over the years and it doesn't hold up in such a good light as when I reviewed it last December after going through DBing again. I really do think I'm ready to throw in the towel, and even though I see him making the effort to do the right thing I know what's behind it. Last fall, when he wouldn't leave but wanted to do the right thing, he was also on chat lines, one time was heaidng downtown after drinking excessively, with the escort ads tucked under his arm (until I told him if that's what he was up to then to get out of the marriage and the house right then and there). I know the type of woman he's attracted to, and one of the mothers at my baby's daycare is just that type (and happily married). He was asking me about her one day, in a very casual sort of way. I know you're thinking that I'm being paranoid, but it's not. I know the signs, I know he's looking, and I believe he will never leave until he has found someone to jump ship with. He keeps up the facade with me for the kids, and it's absolutely killing me. He was asking various people last year what they thought might be an alternative to the conventional marriage (interestingly, he never asked me what my opinion was on that, odd considering I would be the one who was going to have to live with it), but he wouldn't ask his conventional friends because they would have an answer he wasn't seeking. He admitted he has had EAs with students for many years (he taught for about three or four years after our son was born seven years ago), so this is not just a mlc condition, though mlc certainly has a lot to do with it. When he first told me that he didn't love me and was never committed to me, I didn't believe him, but over the past two years I have come to believe him very much. That's why I watch these signs, and know the signs that I'm seeing repeated from the last three times. Mother's Day he didn't even wish me greetings, and when we celebrated it the following weekend he got a card from the kids and two packs of seeds (in place of a bouquet he said). Whenever he feels he doesn't love me, I can tell by the kinds of gifts he gives, whether there's any thought to them or not. Last year after the first crisis, we were "in love" again for a few months. I asked no questions, except to say I would rather he not see the woman who he had written those letters to (I didn't know who it was at the time), and then when I found out he was sneaking around behind my back to have lunch and dinner with her (lying about who he was with) I hit the roof and I don't feel that it was unjustified or an unreasonable request. He is one who cannot be pushed in any way shape or form and I really feel that this is a pattern that we are caught up in that will never change, unless I completely make a jellyfish of myself and absorb all his emotional blows. In so doing, though, I am going to become so hardened, and the grief and pain will become so buried that it cannot be healthy. He cannot take any conversation about my hurt or anger, and he will not brook any argument about OW. He clams up and starts to blame our rotten marriage. He is still protecting her, and after two years of taking this abuse, because that is what this is, I have had enough. I know the signs, and perhaps I am being a bit of ahawk on them, but I just cannot go there again. Thanks for letting me ramble.
