Hi CC- The questions you've raised are all ones that I've personally had during the past year or so in my separation. My H too had said that his feelings just needed to change--he wasn't sure how they needed to change or what magic it would take to transform them, but he knew they needed to change. I remember one particular conversation many months ago when I suppose I essentially lectured him on the reality that you have to decide to work on something before the feelings would change. I added in a blind non-DB fashion at the time that I thought he felt that lightening might strike someday and potentially he would fall back in love with me. I got one of those "deer in the headlights" looks that I'll always remember and zero feedback. In reflecting on those moments, I think what has happened is that he needed to have enough time pass to see that our interaction would be improved substantially for an extended period of time.
Although I clearly surmised differently at the time, I now believe that H never truly had a master plan for where things were going. I used to spend many hours speculating re. all of the deceit and planning that H likely had underway. However, I now feel pretty certain that many of our walkaways think only for the moment until they're comfort level with us changes significantly. The wait and see approach is extremely difficult when you've been left, but it is clear that many hours can ultimately be wasted in trying to figure out what they are doing, planning, or thinking. The fact is that there are many things that we simply can't be sure of and that is, in and of itself, something painful to adjust to when you've felt so certain and confident about so many things in the relationship in the past.
By doing more and more for you CC, you will move closer to detaching and letting go of H. You will still wonder about him, but it will honestly be a calmer feeling that seldom gets really stirred up.
I honestly don't know whether my H has had an OW at any point during our separation. I chose not to investigate and determine the issue some time ago. I can't explain how I was able to not pursue certain signs that there might have been an OW. This is especially strange for me I guess because I had and continue to have many resources available to me to find out one way or another very quickly. I just let it go though.
I'm going to open a new thread later to ask for some advice and feedback re. some recent developments in my situation over the weekend. I suppose there are always new challenges and questions! Jamie
[This message has been edited by jamie (edited 05-30-2000).]
