Jamie, Thank you for the advice you last posted to me, believe me, I think a lot about what you tell me. Since my H is also very control sensitive and won't do anything unless it's at his own pace (and by his own will, not because you ask him to), I'm very interested in how you handled your situation because your H has these same traits. My H has implied in the past that he needs to "feel" differently about everything in order for anything to change. This has frustrated me a great deal because Michelle's advice is to act as if and the feelings will follow. Well my H doesn't believe in therapy or anything like that, so somehow things just have to change magically. My concern is though, that after a long time (11 mo. now of physical separation and minimum contact), won't his feelings be "used" to his current lifestyle without us? I don't see him being motivated to change because he seems to have adapted to his single lifestyle. For me, time does tend to break down the connection. Do you think it's different for men in that regard? How much contact did your H maintain as far as coming to his home, doing things around the house etc. and what attitude did you have toward him regarding phone calls, showing a personal interest in his life etc? My H and I don't communicate hardly at all right now. I don't show interest in his life because I'm distancing and it seemed that he didn't like it when I did because he perceived that as still being interested in him. It's tricky when you talk about detaching but still being friendly. I don't feel very friendly anyway because to me, he deserted me and our children and fell down on his comitments. What advice do you have about the amount of contact/interest a spouse should exhibit when trying to detach? Also, do you think there was OW in the picture with your H? This has become a distinct possibility with my H that could be complicating the outcome. I'm still having a hard time not obsessing about his agenda, maybe because I want to be prepared for the worst. I do think about my life now in terms of not being with my H anymore. Unfortunately this is also causing me anger and resentment at what I consider to be many years invested down the drain and all the hassle of starting over. I know I need to adopt a better attitude, but how did you get over the anger and resentment hurdle? I appreciate any help you can give me on all this, it's a struggle getting through this, but I know I will eventually.
