Hi Everyone! Michele, thank you so much for the pat on the back--it felt great!
CC, you're going to get differing views on the dating question depending upon who you ask. I once read somewhere a while back (when all of this started and my relationship book collection began to expand) that many or most of us when we date are thinking about the possibilities of the dates turning into romance and the romance turning into marriage. It followed with the question of how we can really think in a healthy way of marrying someone when we're still at least emotionally attached to a spouse. We're all capable of blocking things out and finding routes to ease our pain, but the key is probably whether certain routes are healthy for us. In this, I don't think there is a real moral judgment expressed, but rather a simple question of what is best for each of us. For me, I've known that I could not get involved with someone else and honestly answer the question "what would you do if your H expressed serious regret and/or wanted to work on the marriage?" and have any reasonable or wise man want to be a romantic interest in my life.
Now, that is not to say that I do not miss the companionship and romance of a healthy relationship, but the lack of those things just doesn't spark the despair in me that I would have once imagined. My life is pretty full right now with expanding some new interests I've found and keeping up with my two loving preschoolers. To steal from a book I recently read ("A Year By The Sea") and have discussed with a very close friend, I'm pretty much an "unfinished woman." I love that reference because it doesn't necessarily include confusion, resentment, or anger--there's just more to uncover and develop.
So, CC my suggestion is not to date if it's because you're fearful of things not working out with H or because he is dating. Don't try to cover all bases and feel like you need someone in the wings should things further deteriorate. You'll want to be ready and whole should the time come to start with someone new. Ask yourself the questions that you would ask a married, but separated man if he wanted to date you. Think about your true answers and whether it is time for you to be with someone else now. Only you know what is best for you, but it seems unlikely that the quick fixes will bring the happiness that you want.
On your other questions, if you can, try to stop spending energy on figuring out H's conflicting signals and motives. Give him space, stop initiating the OR talks, and do things for you now. He knows you want to work on the marriage and that you love him. He has to work things out for himself and probably wants to know that you respect his need for space. When you take your focus off of him and put it back on you, you will be able to more easily give him his requested space. Hang in there CC.
Angel, it was so wonderful to hear from you! I've thought of you and hoped that you and H were doing well.
On the anniversary issue, I'd honestly let it go. I know how hard that is and know you want him to do some planning for the two of you, but here's what I concluded in my situation: if I come up with a gameplan for doing something in celebration and he responds favorably, I'll likely wonder whether he would have thought of anything himself. It's kind of one of those no-win situations, unless, of course, he always made the plans before and making the suggestion would be a real change for you. In my situation, I was always the planner and organizer.
At this stage, I'd give him a chance to come through before mentioning anything re. your wishes. If he doesn't mention doing anything how about leaving the kids with him and treating yourself to a fun night out? I've gotten real good at enjoying spontaneous solo movie visits, finding new restaurants on my own, relaxing evenings at Barnes & Noble...
I hope you have a great day tomorrow and that H pulls through for you. Have a nice 16th anniversary--Jamie
[This message has been edited by jamie (edited 05-25-2000).]
