Your reference to cross examination techniques rings home to me. One of my h's favorite methods of diverting me is to make me prove the most obvious observation or conclusion beyond a reasonable doubt. Because of much professional experience, I'm generally able to do it, I've lost energy and focus after it's done. We are both in the same profession so he is equally as adept at throwing in the red herring as I am at cross examination. Needless to say neither skill is productive in a relationship discussion.
I am pleased for you to see that your h seems to be responding favorably. You seem to be doing a good job of avoiding the set ups where you appear to be controling. My h and I have long been in recovery for more than a year. The one thing that has most adversely affected our recovery is the pattern of chase and avoid that we get stuck in.
I'll spend several exhausting days getting my h to face what started out as an issue that I'd think we'd talk through in a fiarly short time. Ultimately, he will take 10 minutes to finally hear me and say what he thinks I want to hear. It's then over because I've lost the will to go on. He says a few soothing words that have no impact on his life. The following day it's as if nothing at all has happened - he's told himself that he's handled yet another of my mood swings (it doesn't matter that I never had these "mood swings" before his affair).
I have learned to recognize many of the maneuvers, but I could really use help in responding to them!
