Hi CC, I think you really touched upon something when you referred to "I never saw the baby steps because I was too busy deciding my own fate." I think waiting or analyzing all of what our spouses are doing not only drains all of our energy, but also leaves us taking focus off of what it is that we need to do for ourselves and what it is that can make us happy in our lives apart from desired positive contact with our spouses. It took me a very long time to really have a bell go off in my head and successfully detach from pondering what H might be doing. That's not to say that there aren't slip-ups and regressions in my detachment, but they've become rare and I'm able to more quickly get myself back on track. Probably the most difficult obstacle that I have faced is truly appreciating the moment and accepting the baby steps without immediately wanting more and more and more...My H is fairly perceptive and could pick up on my disappointment that more was not coming sooner. I saw changes in his interaction with me several months ago when I finally was able to honestly exhibit that I accepted where things were at the moment. The key for me was an evening when I literally knew that my children and I would be o.k. should he never return home to live with us. It came when I was reading my little girls a goodnight story and they were both cuddled up next to me. I just knew everything would be o.k. and that I had so much love to share with them and others. I knew I had nonmarital goals and dreams to work towards and that my happiness did not, should not, and could not ever rest in the hands of this one person.
I've chosen not to date during my separation and it has taken actually very little, if any, willpower to stick with that decision. I've admittedly missed many aspects of being with someone, but I've kept busy and tried to become more involved and figure out what makes me tick and why my life has taken various directions over the years. That sounds incredibly deep, but it really is just getting back in touch with who you are and what you want (apart from, or I guess, in addition to, saving your marriage).
I guess I don't have any real magical secrets to pass on CC and, as I write this, I know I'm not out of the woods yet re. my situation, but try to think deep and hard about CC and what you'd like in your life. Of course H is on your list, but focus on other things that are also there. Consider your strengths and your weaknesses and treat yourself well in the low moments by bringing your existing strengths to the surface. When you're ready, revisit those things you see as your weaknesses and consider strategies to move them closer to becoming strengths. When we're feeling rejected or down generally we sometimes too easily look only at our weaknesses, leaving our strengths and positive attributes to get clouded over. I'm sure there are a lot of wonderful things about you that you haven't been reminded of for a while. Without being conceited or obnoxious with others, I think I've come to realize that it's really o.k. to remind ourselves of our strengths and to pat ourselves on the back, regardless of whether a single other person is taking particular note.
Enough of my long winded response CC, please give yourself what I suspect is a long overdue and deserved pat on the back. Take care--Jamie
