I agree that divorce is not easy and is the last resort. All efforts should go into fixing the marriage first. Divorce is usually bad for the kids, but not necessarily worse (it could be better). But I’m with you so far.
Where I part company with you is assuming divorce is the easier option. It may be for some, at least as far as the immediate work involved. But if you consider the anger, stress, and other relationship difficulties that divorce can create, and that can continues for years, I am not sure divorce is so easy. In fact, I think that many couples who truly stare into this pit turn away because it is so difficult. I know I did.
So if you eliminate divorce, what options do you have left? What incentive do you and your W have to work on the marriage or disincentive to avoid divorce? It seems to me that you have ruled out the stick, so your W has nothing to fear. But you do not offer a carrot either, so she has no reward. Is it any surprise that you have been stuck for years with absolutely no progress to report?
What is the truth about your situation? You say you are concerned for your kids, so you hold the marriage together for their sake. You don’t get enough EC sex, but you put up with what you get, presumably to hold the marriage together, again for the kids. But I don’t recall hearing anything from you about any arguing or fighting which would make divorce the more peaceful route. So it is hard for me to really understand what you are complaining about. Your complaints about your W seem more and more like a grand deflection.
On the surface, it sounds like your home life is pretty good. And yet you have complained for years. Why? Are you chasing some fantasy idea of what a marriage should be, but are too scared to confront your wife with this idea or put forth the effort to bring it about? Your comment
I want to have all these things as long as I have them with someone I consider to be my lover. Companionship is NOT enough, like it is for her. Can a HD person truly make themselves happy if they have no lover in their life?
strikes me as being very needy and enmeshed. All your posts on this board point in the same direction, that it is up to your W to meet your needs, that she must change and that your wants are unchangeable. The sounds very self centered, very passive aggressive to me. Because you have removed the threat of divorce, I wonder if you are very scared. Is that your MO?
Is this really about deep seated fear and control issues? You neutralize both the risks and the rewards, then complain to keep your W off balance and put you in the driver’s seat. It sounds to me like she is the differentiated one, knowing your game all too well. So she goes about her life, finds her sense of fulfillment elsewhere, performs her “required” duties with you and learns to tolerate your complaints that have no possibility of resolution, and just possibly is abiding her time. Is divorce out of the question for her?
