Has anyone else on here ever been HD to begin with and then through this process became LD?
I myself am experiencing this so was wondering if anyone else has ever been through this? I mean I have had like zero drive at all. But what I have been noticing is my husband drive seems like it is increasing. I find myself going to bed earlier or trying to avoid all the time.
Schnarch called this Siamese Twin Syndrome. As an underlying power struggle in a relationship is resolved, the partner's sex drives can flip. Perhaps you are feeling resentment about changes you have made that have caused your H's sex drive to increase and are subconsciously retaliating with a low sex drive yourself? You mentioned that you recently went back to work full-time. Maybe the reduction in stress due to not having to be the primary support of the family has caused your H's sex drive to increase. You might, understandably but not unavoidably, feel resentment that you had to take on the stress of being a working mother in order to alleviate his stress and therefore you are manifesting your own stress in a low sex drive. You might also be feeling resentment because the fact that your H's sex drive rose in reaction to the fact tha you are bringing more cash into the household might make you feel like you are having to "pay" for sex. I think the tendency to be "turned off" by this feeling is one of the main differences between HDW and HDM. HDM are okay with feeling like they have to "pay" for sex to some extent. HDW are repulsed (my H is Kato Kaelin)and angered (Why do I have to pay for something that most women can easily get for free?)at the thought.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I can see where HD's become LD, but ONLY for their spouse. After YEARS of being forced to inhibit my desire for her, I actually get mad at myself for the times we actually do ML. Basically I find myself asking why I would desire someone that does not desire back, I should have better. But my fantasies are becoming more vivid and I find myself throughly checking out other women, especially looking for the wedding ring. If some attractive women expressed a physical interest in me, I probably would falter.
I don't think I am retaliating. Because deep down I don't think I would ever want to inflict the kind of pain I have went through. But you listed some good things to think about. I do think now that I am working I do enjoy it. I get out more and have made new friends. I make my own money and handle my own finances. I don't feel I need to rely on him anymore when it comes to finances. So me working has really helped even my self esteem.
It could have caused his drive to increase. I am really not sure. I have been working for 16 months. Only in the last I would say 4 months has the dynamics changed. Even when I think about him I just don't think sexual thoughts. On the weekends I find myself trying to go to bed before him so he won't initiate sex. He has even made comments and he does it in a light hearted way and says things like, " Your not going to sleep on me again tonight. I need some love. " He has even done positive things like trying to bring new things to the bedroom to spice things up. He has been more affectionate and loving. He has also even thrown some compliments in there here and there. He even seems to have more ambition and has gotten a lot of projects done.
So a lot of positives happening. We are getting along lots better. But yet I just can't muster up any romantic feelings towards him at all. I can't help but wonder why the sudden difference in his behavior. Could he maybe feel me pulling away and feels the need to step up and save things? Was he turned off by a sexually aggressive wife? I know deep down he has to wonder why all of a sudden the word sex never come out of my mouth.
If you are at that point maybe it is time to call it quits. Because cheating doesn't ever do any good. If you honestly feel you have exhausted every option and nothing has worked then go find your happiness. But so a clear heart instead of a guilty one.
Cally... I still haven't figured the whole dynamic out, but my H and I have the siamese twin syndrome thing going. When I am HD he is LD and vice-versa.
I know that when I am HD, even when it's not out real "out there" behavior, he can sense it and it puts pressure on him. When I am LD, it feels safer for him to go for it. The problem is I really don't want sex when I am LD. I comply because in the past I have rejected him and I feel bad about that.
What I have learned is that it's my responsibility to keep myself sensual, regardless of how this affects him. And I am figuring out subtle ways to express that sensuality without overwhelming him and triggering his performance anxiety issues. On his part, he is trying to push through his anxiety instead of blaming stuff on me.
I resent that he doesn't do anything to actively encourage me to be HD....there's no real interplay...I have to figure a lot out on my own.
Quote: I should have better. But my fantasies are becoming more vivid and I find myself throughly checking out other women, especially looking for the wedding ring. If some attractive women expressed a physical interest in me, I probably would falter.
You are avoiding taking personal responsibility for your sex drive and hoping that some attractive HD woman will come along to take the responsibility for you. I understand this "rescue" fantasy but I gotta tell you it ain't gonna solve your problems even if it does come true. I mean what if your new HD hottie loves to give blow-jobs but she just gives really lousy blow-jobs. What are you going to do then?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: You are avoiding taking personal responsibility for your sex drive and hoping that some attractive HD woman will come along to take the responsibility for you.
I am not looking for an affair, in fact so far I have tried to avoid situations that might cause an affair. But if one found me, my faithfulness might really be tested.
Quote: what if your new HD hottie loves to give blow-jobs but she just gives really lousy blow-jobs.
That woman would still rank far ahead of a women that does not give BJ's. BJ's are all about EC, it is an incredibly intimate and vulnerable activity, and for men, it is often the MOST vulnerable he can be with a women. So the EC is incredibly intense, AS LONG AS THE WOMEN LOVES DOING IT. What I am saying is that a women that loves to give BJ's is going to get lots and lots of EC bonus points, even if the BJ's are not good.
How can a person truly love another person and yet not love giving the oral sex. That is so foreign to me. How can you truly love your spouse while at the same time tell them that their gentitals are gross and don't make me go there.
Quote: How can a person truly love another person and yet not love giving the oral sex. That is so foreign to me. How can you truly love your spouse while at the same time tell them that their gentitals are gross and don't make me go there.
Come on, CeMar, there has to be some sexual act that you would consider gross or over-the-top. Can't you understand your W's attitude even if you don't appreciate it by thinking about that? Though I will say that I do generally agree with the advice offered by my local sex columnist on the matter which is that sexual partners should strive to be GGW- which stands for Good, Giving and Willing.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Have you ever told your wife how you are feeling? As in you feel you may be on the verge of an affair? Just curious as to what her response was.
IJ,
I kind of feel the same way right now. I go along with it for the most part. Because I don't want to make him feel rejected. I know that feeling. But I find myself trying to do everything to try to just avoid. Because mentally I just don't think about sex with him or crave it at all. Like the going to bed early or having one of the kiddos in bed.
I think maybe his new attitude has over whelmed me. I always thought I would have been thrilled if he changed around.
