Hi My DBing Friends! My girls, H, and I went away on our vacation and truly had a wonderful time. I initiated zero OR conversations and went with the flow of things while we were away. We laughed a lot and it all felt pretty relaxed.
Since returning we have talked briefly about his moving home sometime soon and have discussed some related issues. For those not familiar with our situation, H and I have been separated for 18 months and have not initiated any legal action.
I'm a firm DB supporter and know that no matter what happens with my marriage I am a more centered and whole person since focussing on what I needed to do for me and my children. It was only when I stopped obsessing with my H's possible agenda and motives that I was able to see more clearly what productive changes I could make in myself and to then begin implementing them. From what I have read on the board, there is clearly a pattern of people seeing a turnaround in their situations when they realize that no matter what happens they will be fine regardless of what their spouses decide. I guess it is part of the letting go process that enables us to detach and abandon expectations of what our spouses should or should not be doing. My H needs to continue on his journey and work through some things, but I think he has gradually come to realize I am his friend and not the enemy he perceived 18 months ago.
I think one of the most common questions that people ask on the board is how long to hang in there and wait for their spouses to return or recomit. I guess my personal answer is that remaining open to reconciliation is very different from "waiting" in that you can make healthy choices for yourself and your children without closing any doors re. your spouse. Perhaps I mention this only because a friend just earlier today asked (after I mentioned some positive developments) "how long are you going to wait for him?" My explanantion might have been lost on her, but I knew, as most of us here know or are learning, that remaining open to reconciliation and having it as a goal is indeed very different from being frozen in time, pining by the phone waiting for him or her to announce their intentions, or watching endlessly for the front door to open.
I'm realistic I think in believing that there will likely be many more bumps ahead, but I feel stronger than ever to deal with them as they arise. I truly send you my thanks for helping me so much so far. I would have been one lost little puppy had I not stumbled on this board and met you! Jamie
This is the best news I've heard all day. I am very happy for you. H now knows that he can spend time with you and have a good time. You have been separated 18 months , so ther is still hope for me. I have been separated 13 months.
I like your explanation of remaining open vs. waiting. This does make it a little easier to handle the separation. I think I am now getting at the remaining open stage. I need to stop worrying about him and put my needs and kids needs first.
I can understand about your explanation being lost on your friend. People just dont understand unless they have been in your shoes. I wouldn't have understood either. But I am somewhat in your shoes and I am glad that I found this board. We receive wonderful advice and this is the kind of advice that helps us keep our sanity, and for many times it has helped to keep me focused.
There will be more bumps in the road, for sure. But, you are more than half way around the mountain.
How old is your H? Do you think it was mlc?
Keep up the good work. You certainly know what you are doing.
Jamie, Great news! And you sound so well and healthy! I am proud of your success, and so happy for you. You seem to have a good handle on it all. Thanks for updating us on how it's going. So good to hear from you again! GG
Jamie congratulations on your success. I agree with everything you said. It is when we detach and take care of ourselves and our children and learn that we can be stronger than we ever thought possible that our H's start changing their tune. Keep up the good work. I am very proud of you.
Jamie, I am sooo happy that your vacation went well. It is also great that while you are not asking for more bumps, you have the forsight to be aware that they are coming (99% chance). I liked your definition of waiting and open to reconciliation too. Hope to hear from you soon.
Thanks so much Patience, GG, Johnswife, Jenny, and Step-by-Step! Your support and encouragement means a great deal to me.
H is away now on business for a couple of weeks so things will probably be pretty uneventful here. On that score though, he was very noticably much more considerate than in the past in trying to make sure anything that needed to get done here for me and the girls got done prior to his departure. The little things certainly do mean a lot!
Patience, you asked a couple of specific questions and I wanted to comment. I did, however, respond to your predicament under "Midlife Crisis" last night. My H is certainly within the midlife age range and showed many characteristics typically listed, but I'm honestly not sure whether our situation has truly involved an MLC. There have been crises on the professional front for him and he tends to internalize much so communication had certainly broken down between us and stress levels were off the charts with us having gone through everything during the year before our separation. I was clearly not aware a couple of years ago that parts of my conduct were perceived as unsupportive and insensitive, but the benefit of hindsight has allowed me to be honest with myself and share a good serving of responsibility for alienating him. Post partum depression on my side certainly was a contributor in the whole mess too, as was adjusting to giving up a successful career and opting to be a stay at home.
If you can, try to "switch the tape" when your mind starts to look too much at how long your separation has been. That's hard for a planner to do, but it will otherwise eat away at you and possibly others' opinions (who have never even contemplated DB) will actually cause you to sink as you flip the pages on the calendar.
Thanks again. Have a wonderful day everyone--Jamie
Jamie, first of all, I just want to say that you are an inspiration to those of who have been separated for a while...10 months for me but things were bad the year before that as well. Something you said really struck home..you said you were obsessing about your H's motives and possible agenda. This is exactly what has been happening to me since this all began. I "feel" like my H has an agenda that I don't know about, so I've practically set myself up for failure and acted as if I know it's over. I even told him all this earlier on. When he was coming over regularly but still being cold and unfriendly, I asked him if he was coming over to tie up loose ends. I never saw the baby steps because I was too busy deciding my own fate. Well now it may well be too late, even though I've been distancing recently. He still has a negative opinion of me and he's still distancing. Can you tell me how far into your 18 month separation your H began to regain some interest? Up until then, was he adamant about not trying and did he ever tell you that he thought you should go on with your life? I'm very interested in what you have to say because you truly are a survivor after 18 months! I think it's wonderful. Please pass on your secrets! Also, what is the difference between waiting and leaving the door open...did you begin dating someone else? Sorry for all the questions, I feel like I'm trying to solve a mystery!
Hi CC, I think you really touched upon something when you referred to "I never saw the baby steps because I was too busy deciding my own fate." I think waiting or analyzing all of what our spouses are doing not only drains all of our energy, but also leaves us taking focus off of what it is that we need to do for ourselves and what it is that can make us happy in our lives apart from desired positive contact with our spouses. It took me a very long time to really have a bell go off in my head and successfully detach from pondering what H might be doing. That's not to say that there aren't slip-ups and regressions in my detachment, but they've become rare and I'm able to more quickly get myself back on track. Probably the most difficult obstacle that I have faced is truly appreciating the moment and accepting the baby steps without immediately wanting more and more and more...My H is fairly perceptive and could pick up on my disappointment that more was not coming sooner. I saw changes in his interaction with me several months ago when I finally was able to honestly exhibit that I accepted where things were at the moment. The key for me was an evening when I literally knew that my children and I would be o.k. should he never return home to live with us. It came when I was reading my little girls a goodnight story and they were both cuddled up next to me. I just knew everything would be o.k. and that I had so much love to share with them and others. I knew I had nonmarital goals and dreams to work towards and that my happiness did not, should not, and could not ever rest in the hands of this one person.
I've chosen not to date during my separation and it has taken actually very little, if any, willpower to stick with that decision. I've admittedly missed many aspects of being with someone, but I've kept busy and tried to become more involved and figure out what makes me tick and why my life has taken various directions over the years. That sounds incredibly deep, but it really is just getting back in touch with who you are and what you want (apart from, or I guess, in addition to, saving your marriage).
I guess I don't have any real magical secrets to pass on CC and, as I write this, I know I'm not out of the woods yet re. my situation, but try to think deep and hard about CC and what you'd like in your life. Of course H is on your list, but focus on other things that are also there. Consider your strengths and your weaknesses and treat yourself well in the low moments by bringing your existing strengths to the surface. When you're ready, revisit those things you see as your weaknesses and consider strategies to move them closer to becoming strengths. When we're feeling rejected or down generally we sometimes too easily look only at our weaknesses, leaving our strengths and positive attributes to get clouded over. I'm sure there are a lot of wonderful things about you that you haven't been reminded of for a while. Without being conceited or obnoxious with others, I think I've come to realize that it's really o.k. to remind ourselves of our strengths and to pat ourselves on the back, regardless of whether a single other person is taking particular note.
Enough of my long winded response CC, please give yourself what I suspect is a long overdue and deserved pat on the back. Take care--Jamie
Thank you Jamie, for the pat on the back and for taking the time and thought to respond. I am trying to take control of my life and concentrate on my strengths. I think this whole mess made me feel like I must be a failure, like you said, when we're down we only look at our weaknesses. I know I have a long way to go before I'm completely back on my feet, but at least my goal in now to regain myself and my self-worth as opposed to just getting my H back. Thanks again for the good advice, I know that it worked for you so that's very good motivation for me.
