Hi My DBing Friends! My girls, H, and I went away on our vacation and truly had a wonderful time. I initiated zero OR conversations and went with the flow of things while we were away. We laughed a lot and it all felt pretty relaxed.

Since returning we have talked briefly about his moving home sometime soon and have discussed some related issues. For those not familiar with our situation, H and I have been separated for 18 months and have not initiated any legal action.

I'm a firm DB supporter and know that no matter what happens with my marriage I am a more centered and whole person since focussing on what I needed to do for me and my children. It was only when I stopped obsessing with my H's possible agenda and motives that I was able to see more clearly what productive changes I could make in myself and to then begin implementing them. From what I have read on the board, there is clearly a pattern of people seeing a turnaround in their situations when they realize that no matter what happens they will be fine regardless of what their spouses decide. I guess it is part of the letting go process that enables us to detach and abandon expectations of what our spouses should or should not be doing. My H needs to continue on his journey and work through some things, but I think he has gradually come to realize I am his friend and not the enemy he perceived 18 months ago.

I think one of the most common questions that people ask on the board is how long to hang in there and wait for their spouses to return or recomit. I guess my personal answer is that remaining open to reconciliation is very different from "waiting" in that you can make healthy choices for yourself and your children without closing any doors re. your spouse. Perhaps I mention this only because a friend just earlier today asked (after I mentioned some positive developments) "how long are you going to wait for him?" My explanantion might have been lost on her, but I knew, as most of us here know or are learning, that remaining open to reconciliation and having it as a goal is indeed very different from being frozen in time, pining by the phone waiting for him or her to announce their intentions, or watching endlessly for the front door to open.

I'm realistic I think in believing that there will likely be many more bumps ahead, but I feel stronger than ever to deal with them as they arise. I truly send you my thanks for helping me so much so far. I would have been one lost little puppy had I not stumbled on this board and met you! Jamie