Update on Success!

[Committed2Him]

quote: Perspective is the key...Jenny

Yep! You know, it does feel good to let them "have it" but we usually do regret it later.

I will be watching with interest to see how you manage your anxiety over son "making it." What kind of advice would you give a patient with your exact circumstances?

As for me, still "smoothing over" my situation with W but we will come out of it stronger. As for our spiritual values, yes, they are the same but I feel more committed than I think she is. Faith is a choice and she allows her hurt and resentment to interfere with her choice to be more committed to what she intellectually believes. Time for the "time manager" to go. See ya around! C2H

[17baker445]

C2H...glad things are being "smoothed out" btween you and your wife. Can't imagine why she would get upset with you..but we usually take our frustrations out on those closest to us.

Update: I received the first info that son has missed a couple of homework assignments and am disappointed as well as angry. Fortunately his teachers are tuned into his problems & are keeping me posted.He will lose privileges on Fri night as a consequence.He also disobeyed me and took a cell phone to school.He's constantly testing limits and it's no fun.

What would I advise a patient to do under similar circumstances? Interestingly enough,I've had a few patients whose ADD children were identified as their main stressor.It's of vital importance that the parent takes time to relax, as demanding children take an unbelievable amount of energy.Organization in the home is of key importance for a distracted child and of course "time mgt". My son's therapist has "heard my concerns" about Dad and is requesting a joint mtg to discuss strategies.Perhaps this will be helpful.
In the midst of this turbulence,it's easy for my relationship w my H to suffer.I don't want to lose sight of the importance of our happiness.However,I experience resentment and I must work on letting it go.We really need some time together,but are sliding back into "parallel lives". As a DB student,I am much more aware of these tendencies and want to avoid sliding down the slippery slope.

[Committed2Him]

Jen- Well maybe if someone else says "it," you'll get buy in from H.

You know, I was just thinking, ADD or no ADD, some kids are just "wired" to buck authority not matter what you do. My W is stressed out because of my "rebel" 20 y/o. My W has had to adjust her expectations and stop trying to have him conform. He has chosen his bed and now has to "sleep" in it. It hurts and causes stress but less stress than trying to counter his manipulations.

20 y/o bucked authority at the 7/8th grade level, through H.S. post H.S. and finally 3 weeks ago was told (by mom) to move out. I've known him since he was 6 but mom over compensated because she was a single mom since he was 1. We have had our own issues over discipline with him for years. So, now he has "made his bed and he has to sleep in it." Don't know that will be of any help but, you are not alone. Good luck. C2H

[17baker445]

Good Morning,C2H

Thanks for your reply...with two sons of your own,you are in the "expert" category when it comes to parenting. It must have been extremely difficult to parent your 20 yr old,in light of your wife's attitude and it may be where some of your maritial conflict originated. I am sorry to hear that your older son displayed oppositional behavior throughout his adolescence and can imagine how this must taken a toll on your wife. The "tough love" approach you both initiated several weeks ago is bound to effect your wife(and you) emotionally. This is a painful course of action and stirs up guilt and remorse in the parent. You mentioned having some problems, recently, with you wife and I wonder if this is at the core of her unhappiness. She needs extra TLC from you at this point and of course lots of patience on your part.

Things are going well today with my son..it really is a "day to day" thing.I talked to my H last night and told him that I need more time and attention from him right now. Every evening he delves into his own "interests and hobbies" and I am left alone.I told him our marriage needed some time from him,too. He agreed on all fronts,but,didn't offer any positive suggestions.Any ideas for me,C2H?

Have a wonderful day ...Jenny

[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 09-07-2001).]

[AlexN]

Hi Jenny,
Just my two cents, but if you look at it in light of DB (and also the KLA tapes), you've mentioned those things to your h, so he probably heard you. Now, the tough part is will he act? As you know, actions speak louder than words. Is there something you can "do" instead of say to light a fire under your h's you know what? The other strategy I find useful is the act as if. The expectations thing is always one that gets me -- I know enough to keep expectations low, with respect to what I get, but at the same time if I expect more from my h, and praise him, he seems to thrive and flourish. I noticed last year when I really was praising him for being such a wonderful dad (which he is, by the way), he seemed to become even better. So, is there something your h has that you don't, that would help your kids out? (He sounds very much like my h by the way, top of the class, academically brilliant, EQ very very low, lawyer, etc.) but my h has very good skills as a teacher. He is patient when instructing. Can you delegate certain parenting things to him, to be just his arena of authority. C2H was right in one of previous posts that if a man feels a little left out of the loop domestically, he will abdicate all areas. On one of the KLA tapes, Michele mentioned a woman who really wanted to socialize more with her h and other couples, but he was always reluctant. She found the key to get him to do this, by appealing to one area he couldn't resist -- his work. They ended up having a great time, and he suggested doing it more often. No, you shouldn't HAVE to do this, but you and I both know, that if left up to chance, it won't get done. So since you are the fixer, think of creative ways to draw your h into the parenting thing, either by praise, modeling (actions) or by a brilliant marketing strategy.
I also think YOU need some TLC right now, and your h isn't giving it to you.

[AlexN]

edit

[This message has been edited by AlexN (edited 09-07-2001).]

[Committed2Him]

Hi Jen- Going to be tied up on business off and on over the next couple weeks- will check with you when I can. Will ponder your situation and then expect some revelation...pondering....waiting...pondering...waiting. Take care C2H

[17baker445]

Hi Alex,
Thank you so much for your suggestions. I appreciate your taking the time to think about what's happening in my life and to point out solutions. You are the brilliant one in your family!
I am feeling a better and more focused. It seems to me, that basically, I have become unhappy with myself and am projecting this this on to my H. Granted he is not the most attentive spouse and his interests are very different from mine,but there is nothing new about that. It's me!!!I have changed in that I have lost some confidence and have neglected my own needs. I am floundering..asking H for help,which is, as you and I both know, the worst thing I could do. Today,I took the day off and did a few things for myself! At one point, I realized, I need to do more things that energize and rejuvenate me...I am not taking the time to meet my own needs,so why should I expect anyone else to? I have been on a treadmill for months taking care of everyone else and am out of steam.
Alex,I looked on the KLA forum and couldn't find much. I never ordered the tapes..did you? I will get them upon your recommendation. I noticed Tia is a moderator and wonder about that. Is it a good fit?
Positive reinforcement does work and I will work on that with H this weekend.I really have to make a conscious effort as it is no longer an "automatic response".
Gosh, I thought I graduated from DB University,I guess it's time to pursue another degree!
Alex, I am pleased that you are so centered and focused and that your marriage is thriving.You worked so hard and deserve every bit of your success.I am grateful for your "helping hand'.

C2H...hope you have a productive few weeks and that your relationship continues to grow.
Thanks for "pondering".
Adios Amigo

[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 09-07-2001).]

[Jamesjohn]

Hi Jenny! I really hate to change the momentum of your thread, but I need an opinion and words of wisdom from an expert! If a person is struggling to break free from their patterns of co-dependency, would it be common for them to have to go through a period of "independence" before they can stabilize at "interdependence"? Being the INTP that I am, I know that I may look for too many "logical" reasons for things that happen, but this is something that I think I'm observing in my W, and it makes sense to me. Or am I all wet, just looking for excuses and reasons.

Thanks for any input you can give me!!

[Committed2Him]

Hey Jen- things are hunky dory on the home front. Still working and growing but stopping to smell the roses. Keeping your situation in prayer. Our tough love towards our teen is really hurting my W and I am learning to be more sensitive and to offer comfort and a shoulder to lean on rather than blurting out some typical male response. Life and business are keeping me busy but I do peek in to see how things are going- update us when you can. C2H