Jen- I'm sure the following comments are things you already know but here goes anyway: In many ways my wife is strong, a "doer" and has a "let's get it done" approach whereas I am a "thinker" a "planner" and often a procrastinator. I get distracted and can turn simple tasks into projects. Where "good enough" will do, I often seek unatainable perfection.
Much of this stems from being the "first born," growing up in a home with a "functioning" alcoholic father (who was also an adulterer). So, label me a "pleaser" someone who doesn't want to "rock the boat." (so how is that for biblical accuracy, the sins of the father are passed onto his children- my wife was the one who had the PA).
My W grew up with a dad who did not express his love at all, was selfish and a grouch whereas W's mom was an emotional screamer etc (my MIL changed when she went through menopause and is about as good a MIL one could hope for). W got pregnant at 18, lived with her parents but paid her own way, raised her son alone until we got married 11 years agos when SS was 8 (my step-son's father was abusive and she cut him off at around the time SS was born). She worked part-time, got her AA from a community college and became a legal secretary well before we started dating.
Now that you've got a picture. For many years, I "let" W be strong and self-willed for the family because it was the least confrontational path. However, this built up so much anger in me because for most males, it can be esmasculating to defer to one's spouse depending on HOW the decisions discussed and eventually made. She was angry as well because she wanted to be protected and nurtured rather than have the lead role- yet her strong willed side also wanted things to be done her way. (what a mess)
My W and I grown considerably where we have recognized much of this and have learned to communicate through many of these issues. It is an ongoing process filled with many enlightening moments, and it is never dull.
I could be TOTALLY wrong but I am guessing that your H doesn't follow through on some of his responsibilities to your level of satisfaction and it is likely a pattern you two have grown to accept even though neither of you likes it. He knows you are going to be disappointed and it likely bothers him more than you know. You resent it and maybe even think he does it on purpose. Way off base? (If I am, at least this is good to get it off of my chest )
What W and I have done is we have discussed this. I have told her it is a male NEED to be admired and "built up" by our spouses. I need the encouragement and "you can do it" from my wife. From time to time she will tell me, "I doubt you'll do it or complete it" and I have to stop her and tell her she's being negative and non supportive and to give me the benefit of the doubt. Other times, she does give me the encouragement or admiration I am seeking.
All I want is for her to recognize her contribution in these scenarios and to try to change her perception or responses. When she doesn't I try to ignore her comments and recognizing that she "playing a tape... or following a script" based on our past experiences and "the past does not equal the future" (To use a Tony Robbins phrase).
Your H may not choose to change but what will it hurt to "ask" him for help, let him know you "need" his leadership. You may need to bite your tongue a few times when you want to jump in and move him along faster or get him in sync with your time table but see this as an experiment- you do have the rest of your lives to create some new patterns, don't you? Give H recognition without being patronizing when you do see some minor improvements. It still remains true, "it is not what you say, but how you say it," doesn't it?
Again, this is all amatuer speculation on my part, but who knows it may be helpful to you or someone else. C2H
[This message has been edited by Committed2Him (edited 08-28-2001).]
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
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C2H 
