Hello Everyone! It is wonderful to read all of your posts. I am especially grateful to those of you who kept us in your prayers during this crisis filled period with my son. We have managed to provide him with the therapy and support he requires to deal with his ADD and impulsivity.It will be a continuing effort,but things are looking brighter than they have in a long time. Following summer school and a wilderness trek,our son is doing well and his school is going to allow him to return this fall.He will be on probation, which is stressful for all of us, and he will have to prove himself.One false move and we will be back where we started. Unfortunately,my relationship with my H has slipped during these past few months. At times I have found myself just not having the energy to meet all of his needs, as well as those of our two children. Like many of you,I have unresolved issues re our marital problems and yes I,too,mourn the loss of part of myself...the trusting and secure self. The thought that "it could happen again", occurs to me at times and I feel heavy hearted.I see myself as the major giver in our marriage, as well as to our children.As much as I would like to process my feelings with my H, I realize that he is not capable of dealing with it..so I internalize my unhappiness. Am I jaded or just plain realistic...who knows. I do wish Michele would write a book for those of us who succeeded in preventing a divorce,but at an expense that continues to haunt us. The understanding and support I have received on this board is amazing and the reason I remain "connected" to many of you. Thanks again for your insight and concern...Jenny
Hello all- these recent threads touch on feeling I have had as well so what do we do? This is what I am doing, I choose to continue to learn and give and love, building my wife up and not expecting in return. Do I hope for some return, yes but I am not demanding or expecting? Unconditional love is giving and not expecting in return. My faith is a part of this and so I feel that if I am not "justly" compensated in this lifetime, I will be in the next.
Is it different now, is the innocence lost? Yes but should we live in fear that it might happen again? I don't think so. I am reading Gary Chapman's book again because it reminds me that our marriage can become VERY good again: The Five Love Languages : How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate From this book I have drawn encouragement that my marriage can evolve into what he calls "mature love." I have also learned that we express our love in different ways, like different dialects or languages. Our spouses may be showing their increasing love for us in ways we don't really recognize and visa versa. With ALL I've been through, I had to remind myself about this truth this past weekend and it paid dividends.
Living in the present is a key concept for me and I am responsible for making me happy with what I have. I look at others less fortunate (look at the newcomers board if you ever want to feel grateful for where we are at this time).
There ARE times when we are physically and emotionally spent and then the hurt of what we went through CAN bring us down if we let it. Our mates are still imperfect and they will continue to fail us in one way or another but they were not put on earth to make us happy. They can meet certain needs but if we know they are unlikely to meet others, then we maybe setting ourselves up for failure if we expect them to meet those needs.
Here is something I read today which helped me keep things in perspective, it is a story about the triumph of the human spirit: Her Blue Heaven May you all be richly blessed, C2H
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
C2H... Thank you very much for a marvelous message and one that I very much needed to hear.
I have the book you mentioned and will read it again.I just wish my H would be open to such things.Here I am ,again,working on myself to elicit change in another.
You know sometimes...I just get weary and wish so much that my H had more to give me.Unconditional love doesn't mean you ignore your own needs or does it?
Thanks for being so kind and generous in taking the time to share your thoughts...Jenny
Hi Jen, I guess will have to wait for Michele's next book for the answers to some of these questions, huh?
Hopefully the giving brings him to the point where he can give to you. Better yet would be to find out that he's already giving to you in his own way.
On Friday I recommended the Chapman book to someone on the board and then had an "I get it" moment. Earlier in the day W was planning on buying me a gift and I declined. It was a cover for a plam pilot but I had shopped extensively for one before and found them too bulky to carry in my suit and I didn't want to carry a bigger planner-size one around, logical reasoning. In the middle of my post I thought, "Oh no, she wanted to give me a gift and I said, "Thanks but no thanks." I stopped and sent an email to my wife telling her how much I appreciated the thought. I also remembered she had bought me a nice Laker T-shirt after they won the NBA title back in June but I hadn't worn it yet- she mentioned it a week or so ago but it didn't register. On Saturday we went shopping for school clothes and made a little family day out of it and guess what T-shirt I wore?
Even with an MLCer I tend to think if we speak their "love language" long enough, and let them know what our language is, they may come around and speak our language, a little at first, eventually becoming conversational leading to fluency. Still, if they never to become "fluent," maybe conversational will suffice and we can have some of those needs met elsewhere. As for those needs that should only be met by a spouse...help, Michele???
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
quote:Accepting someone for who they are,flaws and all is really what mature love is all about.
I agree. But I also like to think that the more loving, the more we deposit love units (Harley's terms) in to their love bank, the more likely the spouse is receptive to putting "love units" in our bank or the more receptive they might be to learning our love language if we educate them.
I am reminded of the wife who went to see the divorce attorney, telling him, "I want a divorce and I want to make my husband MISERABLE!!!" The attorney then tells her, "If that's what you want then lets hold off filing the divorce papers. First go home and cook him his favorite meal, pamper him. Take extra good care of yourself so that he can't live with out you. Treat him like a king, surprise him on a regular basis. Admire him, tell him you are the luckiest woman in the world. Then, when you know you've got him in the palm of your hands, come see me and we'll take him for everything he owns." A month later, the woman does not show for her appointment with the attorney. He gives her a call to ask her about filing for the D and she tells him, " Divorce?! Are you crazy? H has turned into THE greatest husband in the world. He's been buying me gifts, taking me out and our sex life is out of this world- I wouldn't divorce him if my life depended on it."
Ok, maybe its a bit of a fairy tale but I also still believe in Santa. C2H
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
Thanks for your insight and I really do agree with the points you have made. However,sometimes it is difficult to be always depositing wondeful gifts in to another's love bank and get little in return. I know..I am supposed to fill my own bank...right! BTW,your wife is very fortunate and must have a huge "bank account" by now. This weekend, I plan to focus on strengthening my relationship w my Higher Power. I am sorry to say I have been neglecting this most integral aspect of my "Being". This is most likely the reason I am floundering a bit. It is so easy to "fall on your knees" when one is truly devastated. It is at those times,I can literally "feel" my HP's influence in my life.
Have an enjoyable weekend C2H... "God's in His Heaven and all's right with the world". Thanks for being a messenger.
Jen- hope your weekend of reflection helped put things in perspective for you. I do think one's own understanding of their faith and a growing peace with that faith helps considerably. I too am like most people in that we cry out for help when things are desperate and then we forget to nurture that spriritual relationship when things are going well.
In the past, I sometimes got mad at the "unfairness" of my situation and resented depositing love units only to find my account empty. At that point I felt justified to let my anger and resentment rise and I did let this happen on a number of occasions. However, because my faith and my personal relationship with the God I believe in has been extremely important to me, I often looked at my relationship in the light of how faithful I had been to my God. I would come away thinking "yes, I have been wronged" but I have also been unfair to the One who has given me sooo much more. It is that same God who tells me to love and "Dwell with the wife of your youth with understanding." This mindset kept me going and it has paid off.
Would I tell others to keep giving and giving and giving if they are being abused or are being treated like doormats? No, but I would encourage them to find a way to prevent the anger and resentment from building up. Again, just sharing what worked for me.
Weekend update: Going into this weekend getaway with the W and kids, my W admitted she was "hormoning" which potentially made the weekend all the more challenging. Being aware of this, we both worked at minimizing the chance that this would ruin our weekend and the end result was the family had one of the best weekends we have ever had. Some flare ups occured but we worked through them. Blessings be upon each of us as we continue the healing process. C2H
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
Hi C2H..it's gratifying to hear you've had similar feelings at times,but have perservered in your role as "the giver", to eventually obtain positive results. I am working on becoming more gracious in my giving. However I needed to be reminded that my "not doing anything" would not help the situ...I knew this! I did spend more time "turning things over" this weekend and felt a sense of relief. I am going to keep at it. It sounds like you had a good family weekend and navigated through rough waters safely.(But... that is no surprise!)
My son is back at school and I am trying to implement plans/safeguards to help him follow through on his obligations. As my H says he's a "chaos machine" and tends to be disorganized and forgetful which is symptomatic of ADD. Unfortunately,I feel like I "carry the load" in this dept.,too.I had a talk w my H tonight asking him to be more active in supervising son and his homework efforts. I doubt he will follow through,though...he has a tough time with these things. Take care..Jenny
