I too am concerned about Jen. Please Jen drop us a line soon and know that we are all here for you as you have been for us.
Wesse it is good to hear from you. Like you I don't come here often anymore because it was a constant reminder of the pain and was holding back the going forward with my H.
My H has been wonderful about understanding and patience with my healing process. The hardest thing I ever had to do was swallow my pain and keep that smile going as I followed the DB rules to save this marriage. The problem was when he was committed again and it was safe to start letting out some of the pain I was really lost as to what to do with it. You can't just forget it ever happened and I grieved so for the innocense I lost. The total trust I had in his moral fiber was shattered and I dwelled some on trying to figure out how he could have done what he did to himself, to me, our marriage, and our family. Who was he really anyway? Gosh so many questions to work through but we have come such a long way in the right direction.
I still mourn sometimes for the loss of part of the person I was before this happened who thought we were different and those terrible things couldn't happen to us. Boy did I have that all wrong. Our relationship is wonderful these days. Like a lot of men he doesn't feel it is necessary to verbally reassure me often so sometimes I will just ask him if he is happy. Then he knows it is time to let me know he is very happy and is never going anywhere. So it is working.
We have both learned so much and I think particulary about listening to each others needs and putting us first. I am healing it just takes a long time. He says it was the stupidest thing he ever did and he wishes it had never happened. I did finally ask him if he misses her and he said NO. I think he would have said that even if he did but I do believe him.
Wesse you are so special to me. I agree with everyword of your post. We have gained so much strength and the knowledge that we will be OK no matter what happens. My feelings towards my H have changed too. How could they not after betraying everything I believed in. Although it is different I am trying to build on the good things he does now. I still wish he was as grounded in the 10 commandments and vows as much as I am but understand that his childhood did not provide that and in fact set a bad example for him.
It does seem to be true that if you come from a family where adultry and divorce were OK it is easier to cross that line so I have to accept that he wasn't as lucky as I was to have a great family that prepared me better than what he had and that also played a part in what happened to us.
I have learned so much about so many things in the last two years that I am a much better person for what we went through. I certainly know so much more about relationships and family dynamics. My H and I are grateful that we have come this far and will be much better prepared to be positive influnences for our daughter and son-in-law and our granchildren. One of the things we do is make sure that the kids get an evening out now and then to go out on a date while we babysit. We encourage them to take time for the two of them and drop our little pearls of wisdom we have learned on them now and then.
Now if I only was as good at advising the kids on how to get a 21-month old to listen and mind. LOL He has just learned that jumping on the bed or couch is great fun.
So everyone I agree with you all. We lost something precious that we can never get back but we also gained a knowledge, wisdom and found strenght we never knew we had. I don't think I could have ever gotten this kind of an education without what we went through and the tremendous support of this BB. I thank you so much for holding my hand when I needed it so badly. Life is good again.
