Hi Wesse, Kent, I too struggle with these feelings of trust. I feel so differently than I did before all this happened. In some ways, I am more alive and sensitive to small changes in my life and that of my husband's and my lives, but in other ways, it has changed irrevocably, and I feel that change with a great deal of sadness. It is essentially a loss of innocence on our parts. Perhaps we were deluded before, and perhaps we placed too much pressure on our spouses to perform up to our expectations of their moral, emotional, intellectual abilities. And maybe that's part of what failed. My h has disappointed me sorely, and he knows it very well. For me to show that to him, would only be rubbing salt in the wound. He feels badly enough as it is, even though sometimes he hasn't shown it. (Although lately he has been doing a much better job of showing that he cares for me.) It is the passing of illusion and blindness, perhaps, that we are grieving; that's not such a bad thing, but it is painful. It's hard to go the next step. To me, the next step is realizing that my faith and commitment was ill-placed -- I had rested everything in my h, and not on God. I now try to redirect my gaze when I feel myself stumble like that. It serves as a constant reminder that I have been faithless to God, and neglectful, and that I haven't nurtured my spiritual relationships, as I failed to nurture my human relationships. But isn't that what maturity is about? Seeing someone's flaws and trying to love them anyway? It's funny you should be discussing this right now, because the last few days I have felt a bit low on account of those feelings. It reminds me once again that I am depending on my h to be the guide of my feelings -- I am not using my own inner balance.
