Hi Jenny, I've read the first page of your replies and will continue reading the rest later.
Alotta refered me to your post a little while back and I am appreciative to her for that.
My situation sounds very similar to yours except I started to get myself back then the bomb dropped. Also, I have done OR's but the last few have been controlled and productive, imo. Done quite a few 180s.
In one of your replies you said your husband "came home". I do not feel mine was ever home in the 13 years of marriage. When he says he never felt connected emotionally, I believe that to be true. I believe his past has disabled him from letting anyone get close to him. Not going into detail, I believe he suffers from post traumatic stress. He is 46 and might be in a MLC but the way he is now isn't foreign to how he was in the past. I changed - and see through the sugar coating now- and he can not deny it anymore.
I don't pursue him, nor plead nor beg. I am confident and strong. We joke and get along great on an outcore level - the place of his choice. There is sex but no intimacy. Sex does not make him connect emotionally. He pretty much said that. If it were not for the kids (7,11,12) I don't know if I love him enough to stay married. (I don't know if we ever would have married - I was pregnant, so we married. I'll never know if he truly wanted marriage or not). I think the only way he will decide whether or not to let me into his heart is if I leave him. That might jolt him. I'm not ready for that gamble yet but am loosing faith. There is no affair I know of unless you consider work as the OW. It's through his work he finds spirituality and life...not with me. Never has been spiritual with me. I doubt it ever will be with me. He has shown a few good signs but I feel he is leading me to the door - away from him. He wants me to leave so he does not look like the bad guy. I truly believe this and he already said something to the effect...since he was married before, to be divorced twice would make him look like there was someothing wrong with him. He did say something to this effect.
He loves his kids and has been more involed but I believe he lives a parallel existence to them too.
I don't want to be a martyr and live in a marriage that isn't, but will remain in limbo for now. I don't want my kids to suffer and repeat our style of marriage.
Thank you for any input you may have.
-K
This is an edit in...things are different, life is good and I am further along than I was when I wrote this.
[This message has been edited by Wintergirl (edited 05-22-2001).]
[This message has been edited by Wintergirl (edited 06-01-2001).]
