Jenny, thank you once again for putting so much thought into your reply to me. I wanted to think about my reply too. And I have. So much of what you say is true, especially the part about the confusion.
I am a person who is often unable to make a huge decision for fear of screwing up; I am also incapable of setting appropriate boundaries, something which I learned to do better this past year. These have contributed to making my own confusion.
As for the childhood issues, again you are correct. I have a weak, clingy mother who was a tyrant and often emotionally abusive, who tried to divide and conquer her six children to gain their allegiance. I have never fulfiled my potential because I never believed in my potential; I admired my h enormously (like your h he is a scholar), and to a large extent lived under his light. I looked up to him, was proud of him, and hid my own light. I had a career, yes, but regarded it as a means to make a living in as agreeable a way possible. He was the star and I fed that.
You made me think about my assumptions: stability and security have always been very important to me and yet I have made choices that constantly put me in unstable and insecure situations -- I freelance for example, so my jobs and finances have never been high; my h, I believe, has never been wholly committed and yet I crave it (and perhaps that is the reason!). I grew up in a turmoil-ridden home and yet it was static at the same time, and it seems I live in one still. Whether I seek to create that, or whether I am drawn to whatever will ensure that, I don't know.
My confusion and lack of trust of late comes down to two things: a very real concern that this (fourth time of) reconciliation will be just like the others; but perhaps more deeply, it may be my own feelings of being trapped in an insecure situation with an uncommitted man who has wreaked havoc and turmoil in my life. I wish I could say I would never have expected him to behave as he did the past few years, but our first couple of years were very rocky, and he frequently wanted to discuss OR, or rather, the reasons why we shouldn't be together. My answser was usually either I don't wish to discuss it, I'm sick of discussing it, or if you feel that way, maybe we should separate. I was probably not listening to the appeals he was making, and perhaps I need to look more closely at what it is he was really driving at, if he even knows himself.
The identity thing is also very true. While these mlc, or affair-deranged spouses, are thrashing about in their own lost identity, it has created a situ where we too are rethinking our id. I have always looked to a man to make me feel whole, and yet the times when I have felt so there no man in my life, and conversely when there was a man I have never really felt secure. So at its root, is a lack of trust, that trusting someone will pull the rug out from under you. That was probably made much worse by relationships I forged with men in my younger days. Because of the background, it's possible, too, that I seek to create conflict. A Year By The Sea, which you recommended, filled me with such longing to be by myself. There is probably a need for me to secure my homelife (read control) in order to spread my wings; I may have difficulty focusing on both simultaneously. It's like needing to control the one, while allowing freedom and creativity in the other.
The trust thing is also where one places trust. Essentially, as a believer, I should place my trust in God and in some sort of vocation (divinely speaking), and not in a man, my h, to help me see who I am, and determine to myself whether I am worthy or not. I know these things; incorporating them into my heart is another matter. I think that may also be your source of anxiety at the moment. You're being pulled by son and h to be mother, wife, when what you really want is you (your work, your time, your life). This is a frustration, of course, because ALL those things comprise an id.
My h has also contributed to the insecurity, not only in this last three years of back and forth reconciliations, and his need for romantic highs and lows, but in the previous years too. The insecurity is deeply entrenched, and my instincts have in the past been to run. I know I cannot do this, however, because for one thing I have worked too hard to save what was left, and for the sake of my children I need to at least stick around to see if he is in earnest this time. During some of the reconciliations, they could be described as "good" times, he was engaged in behaviour not fit for marriage, such as chatline activity and meeting other women. I only recently discovered this -- how do I square that with my feelings on commitment? How do I know he is not going to be acting like that now, that he is once again "committed". And yet, do I discount his attempts because he's burned me once too often? That's where my conflict comes in. How can I discern if these are legitimate changes on his part? Being aware now of my inability to set boundaries and my enabling tendencies has me concerned that things will go back.
I started to learn who I was without him, especially this past painful year, and now I need to re-learn who I am with him, or whether I can be who I am with him. He always showed contempt for my faith, and before I just ignored it. I'm not prepared to do that anymore.
I would also like to be able to have honest conversations with him about this stuff. We have tried a bit, but maybe we need to approach it more scientifically, like set aside a time every week to air this stuff. I did find letters he's written ow, which he always maintained was an EA, telling her he'd never felt like this before, he told me he was in love with her, she was his soulmate, and so on. I've not heard anything from him, either saying how childish it was, or that he's learned that love is made of much deeper stuff, or that he is glad I didn't give up on him; yes, maybe it's silly for me to need to hear that, but it would go along way to erasing some of the tape in my own head. In short, I think we are stuck still in a non-communicative rut.
I am now reading After The Affair, which has been really helpful understanding how he has felt (though it was an EA it was intense), and also shown me that what I have felt and experienced is normal. It is also very comprehensive on the rebuilding process. It's a book I would recommend to everyone on this particular forum.
As for you Jenny, I think you are a deeply committed person, to whatever thing you have chosen to commit to. Our h's, being intellectuals, (egg-heads really) are so caught up in theoretical stuff that the concrete often eludes them. They are unable to empathise until they actually go through it themselves. Perhaps, it is time to enlist h's help with your son, or more, let him take full control of it. He might start to see what you have been dealing with, and he might also forge a stronger bond with his son, which your son can only benefit from. Kids also have huge antenna, and this marital conflict has them acting out in unusual ways, and moreover, at unusual times (like after the fact, when it's safe to do so). Like me, you have an active mind, and you need more of an outlet than your kids and home and h. You need to get you back; can you get the most out of your leave of absence from work, by taking up a new hobby? I hear watercolour painting is most relaxing. I've been considering it myself....if I can ever get the time.
[This message has been edited by AlexN (edited 05-10-2001).]
