My W is slipping back into the rut she was once in and she's pointing the finger at me. She had the EA which became a PA. Right now she feels I am harboring anger about discovering (quite by accident) that she was emailing OM recently because she was recuperating at home and she was "bored" (things had actually been going well for us for a pretty good period of time). I festered for about 5 days and finally share that finding OM's email address on our home computer was the reason I was distant or supressing anger. She said she was sorry, that it was just back and forth silly emails- I told her I accepted her explanation. She brought it up again a couple of days later because she was assuming I was angry when in fact we were both just plain exhausted from severe demands on our time.
She also feels that I am still angry about the affair altough I chose to get over it quite a while ago and I explained to her my reasoning.
She previously exhibited WAW and MLC tendencies. Through the ups and downs of separation and reconciliation, she came to the conclusion that I am the cause of her unhappiness, that I am controlling, emotionally abusive, angry and exhibit passive/agressive tendencies. Yuk!
I have read up on p/a, controlling behavior somewhat and I CAN see where I am partly responsible for a contributing to our relationship problems. What percentage (50, 20, 70%) I can't say because you put someone like me with someone like her and the combustion seems to ake a life of its own. Her dad was never affectionate, very gruff, mom was very erratic and emotional until she went through "the change," W is racked with insecurities although she is very smart, very multi-task oriented and I TELL her so. W got pregnant at 18, the guy was phsysically abusive and has never been a good dad to our son who she in turn overindulged (somewhat). Son (19) is content to underachieve which is a source of ongoing conflict between the 3 of us. She can't stand my parents but has to see them each day when she picks up the kids. She hates her job, has a lingering sprained ankle (last few days she's been hormoning) and we are trying to sell our house (By Owner no less). Oh and our 6 year old boy is starting to test and stretch his boundaries.
Whewww! Ok I DO have great compassion for her but I feel like I have to measure my words and have learned over the years that she takes much of whay I say the wrong way (I certainly can be faulted for HOW I say some things but I feel she is hypersensitive).
We had very little counseling as we pieced the marriage together because she did not want to dig up her feelings. I thought we were doing pretty much ok but now she's back in a rut.
With in the last few days I told her that I knew of a highly successful counseling program and wanted to sign us up for it (Retrovaille). She said she didn't want to go so I backed off. Today, as she displayed the kind of desperation I haven't seen for quite awhile, I told her we need to go. Basically she responded she didn't want to waste the money, that it would do no good, that I will never change.
Here's what my thinking is: Detatch, "act as if" everything is going to be fine, pursue setting up the Retro session, read more about passive/aggressive behavior, work on communicating feelings without being accusatory.
I'm beat, mentally and physically. I am, however, a Christian and I believe my God when He tells me "I will never give you more than you can handle." Ok, so lets see what happens.
Thanks again for your thoughts and input. Committed2Him
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
