I've taken a day to answer your post re your own situ.I've thought about it and even looked at some previous info from you(posts,emails) and what strikes me is the similarity in your concerns and issues over the past year.(issues,as with most of us, most likely present from childhood)
Alex,we all have "core" negative beliefs and fears that create a theme in our lives.Perhaps a fear of abandonment that isignited when a spouse breaches our trust, in any way.
You bring up "trust" repeatedly as an issue.Trust: as to whether or not H's changes are real;trust in that he really is sorry for his behavior and; in fact, trust in yourself and your own emotions.(BTW,did you ever read Peter Kramer's "Should You Leave?"...it points out the reality in most realtionships.)
Alex my H is like yours,in that he has yet to say the words that will make me feel he is truly sorry for the heartbreak he has caused both me and the children.However,I do believe he really does love me and is focused on our life as a couple,rather than wanting to run away.
However,I don't know whether or not I would have put all the time and effort I did in to meeting his needs ,while neglecting my own,if I han't been concerned for our children and my desire that they grow up in an "intact family".I must point out that prior to our marriage,my husband received alot of attention from me..so it was what he needed and expected.As other demands on my time, increased my focus on H's needs decreased.I became exhausted and "needy" myself and he couldn't/wouldn't handle it.
What I have come to believe, Alex, is that I have to meet my own needs and be more secure in my own identity.Anther person,regardless of who he/she is can never "make another completely happy".Happiness comes from within and I must admit I have not been doing a good job for myself, recently.
When you travel by plane,an announcement is made, that in case of danger, safety instructions are to "put the oxygen mask on yourself,first,before trying to save another".There is a message in that for all of us.
Alex,you confuse me.It's hard for me to get a clear picture of what is a very complex situation.I wonder if you do not feel the same.Perhaps, you ,along with me, should "zoom out" with our camera lense and try to see the total picture,rather than magnififying all the details,thus getting lost in them!
The bottom line, from what I can gather, is that you have beautiful children and a husband who ,despite his flaws,loves you and is still part of the relationship and family life.And you ,Alex,have so many abilities/talents: intelligence,wit, senstivity,loyalty and above all perseverance.
In time, you will hear the things your heart desires from your husband,but the message may not be in words..read the signals and the signs.Live in the moment as that is all any of us has..what is right and good about today. Jenny
