17Baker445 "Jenny" and others- Quick hello to you and your friends. I've been posting on the newcomers board, "she hasn't left yet" since 8/00 and had posted under a different name earlier in 2000.
Decided to come on over after reading the first couple of pages of this thread and have invited a few friends whose marriages are starting to "turn around" for the better to visit as well.
The adivce you and others have been offering is very good for those who are in different stages of Dbing. My marriage has survived the crisis and is now at stage where we are dealing with the issues that caused my wife to "quit trying" and subsequently fall into an EA/PA. We are safe from the threat of divorce or separation, and we have moments where my wife feels a genuine love for me but we still have a lot of work to do so this is going to be an ongoing effort. Like you and others, I have a great library of recommended books from which I have learned a great deal and I am excited about learning even more and then being able to pass it on to others who are going or will go through what some of us have experienced. Take care! Committed2Him
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
I do drop by sometimes and look around these boards. It feels good when someone I went through hell with reports success. It bring me joy to hear of others success's in rebuilding their marriages.
I particulary found the postings about post traumatic stress syndrome interesting because that sounds like the way I felt for so long. I am happy to say that I seem to have turned some kind of corner Now I am finally really letting go of the past and recovering from the damage to my mind,heart, and soul.
I am feeling secure in my marriage because my H has turned into the wonderful best friend he was years ago. He is very happy to be my H and repeatedly tells me that he wants to be with me forever.
My H I think has been the key to my recovery. He has been there for me and understood when something would trigger a bad memory and I would fall silently back into that rollercoaster world or ask him yet another question to reassure me that he was happy. He really didn't like being reminded of that awful time period we went through but he understood that I was going through a healing process and he was more understanding than I though he was capable of before this happened. My H has never had much patience in the past but he has sure shown me patience this last year. When I had a flashback he would put his arms around me and tell me he loves me.
Yesterday at lunch something brought up the subject of divorces. I remember now it was a story about a young boy who committed suicide because he thought he was responsible for his parents divorce. I was spouting off about the damage that selfishness and divorce do to entire families. Anyway I told him it would have been easy for me to have reacted on emotions and in haste filed for a divorce. My H told me for the first time how much he wishes that he had never made that dumb mistake. He said it was dumber than dumb and should never have happened. That seemed to release something in me and it felt good. I think I am more at peace now than I have been since this thing started. I was very lucky to find DB and worked harder than I ever had to save not only my relationship with my H but at the same time save our daughter and granchildren from having to endure the pain that a divorce would have brought to their lives as well.
Following DB principals has paid off in so many ways I couldn't list them all. Everytime I see the love and delight between my H and our toddler grandson I know that he realizes how much he almost lost and how happy he is now. One of our grandson's first words is Grandpa even before he can say Grandma. They both just light up with smiles when they see each other and Grandpa swoops him up into his arms and the little one giggles with delight.
My H and I now spend most of our time together. He says we are a good fit. We enjoy spending time with the family and planning the things we want to do in the years to come. We are talking about taking trips together, things we want to do for our grandchildren, and retirement that is about 10 years away. It really is similar to the early days of our marriage when we were just happy to be together and secure in knowledge that we would always be together. The difference is we don't take that for granted anymore. Maybe its kinda like the person who has survived a deadly illness. You come out of it with a whole new perspective and appreciation for what you have.
Wesse and Jenny I think of you often and GG of course, and the others that are not here on the boards so often anymore. I will always hold a very special place in my heart for my DB buddies who were there for me and kept me from losing everything including my sanity. You are my Angels. I just wanted you to know how happy we are now and encourage others to hang in there.
It's WONDERFUL to hear from you.I agree we have an unforgettable bond..one that carried us through the darkest days of our lives. It pleases me so very much to hear how happy you & your H are together and that your marriage is one of deep love and mutual respect. I have had my ups and downs in terms of my own post traumatic stress reaction.I have been working through it gradually, as it presents itself in feelings and memories.It has not been easy, since it has been compounded by problems my young adolescent boys are having... that I feel are directly related to our past marital problems.I find myself resenting and blaming my H for this which doesn't help matters. He is loving and committed to our marriage....but some times I feel that I have aged considerably and that I am not the same person.Some of the changes are positive,but many are due to my isolating from old friends,etc. I find myself snapping at my H and engaging in negative behaviors,because I am just so frustrated about the children,etc and his passivity in dealing w them. JW...I envy your stage in life,where you can enjoy your grandchild and each other without the stresses of teenagers in the home. I think it's so important that we stay in touch as we go through this "post" DB period.It's helpful to know that most of us are experiencing similar issues. Hugs to you....Jenny
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 03-21-2001).]
Welcome to you...C2H! It's nice to meet another successful DB'er.You have made quite a bit of progress,but remember to avoid pushing your W at all costs.Don't question her about her feelings,but continue to draw her closer with an attractive independence,but plenty of TLC.It really is a balancing act,knowing just when to distance a bit,to keep up her interest.
Neely...don't forget the basic premise in DBing....work on YOURSELF..you cannot make anyone else change! Do wonderful things to enhance your attractiveness both in terms of your professional and personal life.Don't focus on your H's behavior that irritates you or you'll make yourself crazy! Perhaps he should prepare the meals or you could arrange to have a mtg or two that keeps you away from home at dinner time... at which point, he is left in control.Believe me,he will MISS you!I utilized this technique effectively.(MY)Absence(due to working) did make my H's heart grow fonder. Jenny
How about that C2H, the whole enchilada in one concise statement:
"but remember to avoid pushing your W at all costs.Don't question her about her feelings,but continue to draw her closer with an attractive independence,but plenty of TLC.It really is a balancing act,knowing just when to distance a bit,to keep up her interest."
Isn't that about the best summation of everything there is to know!
This is a great thread! I've printed it off and added it to my hard copy archive of great stuff.
JW, it was so nice to hear from you! I always like to hear how you and your family are doing. I look forward to the day that we may have grandchildren.
When you and your h began your recovery, we were a few months farther along in recovery. Of course we were also dealing with very different situations and histories, but I remember silently analyzing and projecting my experiences to yours. Because your outlook was so positive, I sometimes worried that you would one day hit a wall and crash. Instead you proved to be a good example of the approach Jenny recently posted about. You always seemed better able to focus on your behavior and less on alayzing your h's. You and Jenny are both amazing and inspirational people.
Please keep in touch from time to time. It restores my resolve and commitment when I hear you!
Jenny- thanks for the welcome! As my friend MF wrote, you pretty much summed up "the whole enchilada" as far as solid DB advice.
Open question As I read through this thread, I too identified with the mixed feelings of relief, joy, anger and resentment over having been the "wronged" spouse. I have been carefully examining my contribution to the deterioration of the marriage which eventually led to W's EA/PA so I am not holding myself completely harmless.
Now here's the question, what books have been recommended to those who are in the recovery stage? Also, how are you dealing with what you are calling "post traumatic snydrome" behaviors, feelings or experiences?
I have read and continue to read books to cultivate the fire such as "Light Her Fire," and "The Five Love Languages." I think I have "After the affair" and have read bits and pieces but I misplaced it. Looking forward to learning and growing some more and sharing what I've learned if it can be of help, especially coming from a male perspective. C2H
Committed2Him- "C2H" All Things (Back from Spain!)...18
I'll keep them in mind. I posted something that's lost now full of complaints about working full time and trying to take care of three children (14, 11 and 7), but I will stop and try to do what I can.
I've made plans for kids and I when H goes out next Saturday. I just wish I could work on my health. Exercise and eat those salads and raw vegetables.
ATL:Thanks for giving me a wake up call! I would like to add an observation re DBing.When a family system is shakey for any reason,one spouse may feel the only option for relief is to opt out of the marriage.When DB principles are put in to play,the entire family system changes and in many cases the need to flee is eliminated.I think in my case this is particularly true. Good DBing everyone!
Committed2Him
