AlexN, I too am interested in hearing form Ginny about p-t stress, but I did want to step in here briefly. Shortly after d-day and the end of my h's affair, I began having some pain or discomfort in my mouth (I don't remember the specifics.) I went to see our dentist whose wife was one of the people I had spokent with about h's affair. He told me that I had been grinding or clenching my teeth at night and that this is very common response to this kind of experience.
As soon as he told me, I realized that, while lying awake watching my h sleep like a baby, I had been clenching my teeth (among other things.) Once I was made aware of it, it was fairly easy to stop because I wasn't sleeping much those days anyway.
AlexN, I too am interested in hearing form Ginny about p-t stress, but I did want to step in here briefly. Shortly after d-day and the end of my h's affair, I began having some pain or discomfort in my mouth (I don't remember the specifics.) I went to see our dentist whose wife was one of the people I had spokent with about h's affair. He told me that I had been grinding or clenching my teeth at night and that this is very common response to this kind of experience.
As soon as he told me, I realized that, while lying awake watching my h sleep like a baby, I had been clenching my teeth (among other things.) Once I was made aware of it, it was fairly easy to stop because I wasn't sleeping much those days anyway.
Wesse...we must have been posting simultaneously.On the previous page you will find my respnse to Alex.
Re Bruxism,I have worked with it often both my private practice and in clinical settings.I am glad you were able to "nip it in the bud" as it can lead to chronic pain,TMJ,headaches and permanent damage to one's teeth.
Relaxation training and biofeedback are treatments of choice,initially.It may also be necessary to wear a mouth guard at night to avoid further damage to various teeth.
Basically it is a manifestation of muscle tension related to chronic stress and anxiety.
FYI! Alex&Wesse, Today's issue of Parade Magazine(an insert in most Sunday newspapers in the US) has a good article on dealing with infidelity.It addresses many issues expressed here and guess what...Michele is the author!
Well, I would like to post here to aknowledge some success. I've read this thread and find it very positive and energizing. Also, realistic.
I've been posting in I need support and have been DBing since last August. I read the book in August 99, but what really helped was posting here.
A brief history..married 18 years, known each other 20 years. Three sons 14, 11 and 8. H was laid off in 1991 and didn't work for three years. Lots of resentments problems before and after the layoff. Intermittent threats of divorce from H. Once from me. Several marriage counselors only made matters worse. Two recommended divorce. I felt totally betrayed.
Early problems were verbal abuse. H telling me to move faster and that I should be able to do all housework, bills etc. I reacted badly. I resented having to work full time -- hardly any maternity leave. He refused to help. Due to self-esteem problems I wasn't able to assert myself. I was in over my head. H was always spacy and couldn't get on time anywhere or remember any appointments. I was always anxious and tense. H went overseas and I realized I could make it without him. Things were easier- one less kid.
Finally, H went back to work and I took a buyout. The first six months were good. But money ran out (H was under-employed no health insurance--insisted on private school). H kept up irresponsible behavior, prending he wasn't part of the family. Things were always tense at holidays, birthdays, He would repeatedly disappear before any party and I would get so upset. Three kids, and no help.
Finally, I threatened divorce. I got a job after 18 months, but changed my mind about the divorce. I tried to work on things, but the counselor made things worse. We changed counselors, still no help.
So I stopped counseling and started DB.
Last October H bought a Nolo Press book and said he would file for divorce. He came to my counselor and said he would file for divorce.
But his actions say otherwise.
Now, he goes out every other Saturday to QI Gong (meditation) and is gone from 7-12. The other Saturdays we go out. I need ideas about what to do the nights he goes out.
H says I should stay home. I don't get mad. I just say it's Saturday night the only time for us. He makes excuses. Pretends not to understand. Says I used to go out. He stayed home.
I've gone out by myself. I've stayed home. I don't want to stay home I get resentful. Any ideas?
Hi Jenny, thanks for your kind reply. Apologies if I made it sound as though you were engaging in furtive activity, re lurking. I just thought that was a common term for those who read some, but post seldom. I understand your need to limit your perusing of the bb, as much as I understand my own need to have been here as much as I was the past ten months. It was a lifeline when I was grabbing at straws, trying to understand why my h was behaving the way he did. My h had just made his third turnaround, and we had experienced that reconciliation high that you speak of, only to have him renew contact with ow because he thought he could handle it without any emotional repercussions. The results were always disastrous and he was thrown into emotional high gear over her again. Of course, my reactions made matters worse, pursuit tactics that I didn't realize were pursuit. There were also the MLC issues, which as you know makes the whole situation seemingly untenable.
This time, my h is making moves in the right direction, but we are not having any relationship or reconciliation highs and maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's more mature, and healthy than our previous attempts, and maybe we will be able to work things out in a more realistic manner. Though I do long for those feelings sometimes!
Each situation is different and yet so much the same, and each partner handles things in different ways. So many times I felt lost, and turned to friends, who were initially supportive, then later encouraged me to consider separating. When I found the bb, I also founds new friends, who were going through similar things, who could share pain and successes, and who liked to work through problems. I tend to analyze as you well know, Jenny, and it's probably been a curse in some ways. Not good DBing perhaps, but it's helped me and others as we have struggled to understand what it is we've experienced. Through that exploring, I can honestly say I've learned more about myself and about my relationship. Thanks to the suggestions here, I have read many many helpful books that I would not otherwise have read, books which showed common relationship mistakes and more importantly pointed the way to fixing some of the mistakes, or at least ways to avoid revisiting them. These lessons have made their way into other areas of my life, and in my career I'm experiencing tremendous opportunities that I doubt would have come my way had I not gone through this.
Which brings me to my son. Over the past couple of months, I've made a conscious effort to reconnect with him, perhaps in much the same fumbling way that my h is attempting to reconnect with me. I can understand h better, when put in context of my efforts with son. I do believe that the tension has eased in the past several months: for one, I ceased caring what my h was going to do, and I redirected my energy to both my career (just like you, Jenny, I figured I'd be single soon and started hustling) and to my son. Taking the focus off h probably let him breathe a bit better too.
Although my son was never privy to what was going on, I know he felt keenly the undercurrents. Just the fact that we rarely went anywhere together as a family would have been sufficient to get his radar going. And there was the odd time he would see me in tears on the phone with a friend, though I did try to hide that sort of thing. But to see his happiness when we went as a family to an outing on Sunday was music to me. He took a stash of money from his allowance savings because he wanted to buy some things for himself (including McDonald's), but when he went into the gift shop, with h, he ended up buying gifts for each of us -- h, me and the baby (who is now 18 months old). I have sometimes overwhelming feelings of doubt and hopelessness still, due to this being the fourth time around, and the air never having really been cleared. It is a struggle for me these days to be confident that my h is making changes, or that he cares for me, or that I will not constantly live in the shadow of his fantasy ow. But I try to move along as I hold onto the dream of that little boy to keep his family together, and the sheer pleasure he has in hoping that things are okay and that his world will not shatter as so many kids do.
I'm going to talk with my counsellor about how to approach son, whether he has some things for me and h to try to draw son out (I've asked son in past if anything is worrying or bothering him, and he always says no). I will also ask him for a good child counsellor. Since son has already started in preliminary orthodontics, I can also bring up the grinding with his orthodontist.
Thanks again for responding -- you know I value your insight, or I wouldn't ask. The article in Parade is not available here, I don't think, biut perhaps I can order it on-line somehow.
Hi Neely! Welcome to this thread.It sounds like you have had a conflict filled relationship for awhile.What really strikes me is the obvious personality differences between the two of you and a lack of understanding as to how to bridge the gap. You have described your H as rather a "right-brain" type,while you are more "left brained".Perhaps this is at the core of some of your differences.The type of eastern meditation that seems to be attractive to your spouse is a key.I would suggest that you attend these classes with him on those Saturday evenings and give it a try.Comprise,understanding and tolerance are crucial elements in rebuilding a relationship. Jenny
Alex, Please don't feel that you need to apologize or offer any explanations for anything.Everything is just fine! You have had a very tough time of it, for a long time.You also have two young children to consider in any decisions you may make re the future of your marriage.This tends to limit options and forces you into a corner...stress....and more stress! Your need to analyze is a product of your extreme intelligence and is a form of processing the "craziness" in your life.But,"don't throw the baby out with the bathwater"! It's important to remember that the DB method requires behavioral changes and that frequent analyzing could prove to be a stumbling block in achieving success with this behavioral approach. It was very difficult for me to realize this fact and to avoid a tendency within me to do the very same thing. In addition, it is very easy to slip in to a "computer addiction" type of thing as an avoidance technique.You can miss much of what is going on with your children & your home, if your are bent over a computer for many hours each day/night. The internet can become a replacement for friends,family and other activities.With all the love and support on the board,24/7, who needs anything else. Reality is painful and dealing with the problems of everyday living are exhausting.However,you are doing a great job moving forward. Your success in restablishing your career is empowering and most certainly makes you more attractive to your spouse. Alex,it's hard to do it all and some areas come up short...but you can do it.It's very important to take care of yourself and the children as best you can,while continuing to make use of Michele's method. You flatter me with your kind comments and I respect your abilities...Jenny
You are right. We have a conflict filled relationship. H can only communicate through anger. He was so mad, because I tried a new recipe last night. "I cook my own food," he said. Nagged middle son to eat more chicken, then oldest didn't get any. He's often critical, nagging, energy drain. When I've explained I need positives -- he has refused to accomodate. I asked him to not criticize as middle son is always constipated, due to poor diet. So I've gotten used to living without positive energy or compliments.
I've tried to implement various ideas I read about in marriage handbooks, while applying DB techniques. Progress is slow. I never ask for approval or expect a compliment from him. But I do get compliments at work about my appearance, sense of humor, so that helps. I also have people there to go out to lunch with or to events with. Nice interesting people.
I have taken an interest in H's activities. I have gone to the same meditation classes, but separate from H. He goes Friday (in chinese). I go Tuesday (English). So that is something we can share. It's the Saturday night thing -- only H is invited and it's so far away. He's so spaced out...he thought it was every Saturday and saw nothing wrong with him going out every Saturday. He offered a compromise. Every other Saturday -- he'd go. That is all the time they meet anyway. So I feel tricked by someone who doesn't value me -- can't speak up for me. At the same time now we go out every other Saturday night. Only last year he'd say he didn't want to go out with me. Or wasn't interested in the movie, couldn't go, too expensive, not sure of plot, what time, where, why this movie....Just dragging his feet...
There are positive changes, but lots more work needs to be done.
