Alex, I've been away for a few days or I would've posted earlier.

I am so sorry that your h has refused to commit for so long. I do think he made a giant step forward in your last talk.

My h also refused to commit for some time after his ea ended. It seemed like an eternity to me then because I had been trying so hard for a # of months before I discovered the affair.

For about 6 weeks after he broke it off with ow, he refused to SAY ILU. I had to constantly remind myself that I could see love in his actions although he was struggling with a huge ego, his self concept, and many confusing emotions.

Finally, I told him I was no longer willing to take the risk and that he needed to love me or leave me. He said that he did love me and he expressed some of the same concerns as your h.

Months later, when he first saw ow at church some 3.5 months after contact ended, he had an emotional relapse. He said things like he didn't know if he could ever give me the exclusive love I wanted/ needed...it was a struggle for him to decide whetner to fully commit to our marriage.

After several days of his putting me through emotional hell, I told him I was not the least interested in having him decide to commit to me. I just wanted him to HONOR the commitment he'd made years ago. If he didn't feel that he could do that then let me help him pack.

It was when I reached my limit that he jumped down off the emotional fence. By then so much damage had been done that I'll probably never fully trust his judgment again. He needed me to make that decision for him. I realize that my h is not good at life decisions without help. He needed help finding his way out of the fog, but his pride wouldn't let him admit that. Ow had falsely convinced him that he was this strong hero that could master anything. Both of them were fooling each other.

I don't know much about your h's ow so I don't know how she figures into this (but I can guess.) I can see the same pridefullness in your h that plagues my h.

I think your h is one of those people (like my h & his ow)who has built up this tremendously inflated self image. He wants to be admired and respected as a super person, but he doesn't/can't always measure up. Why do people have to be heroes to be content with themselves. Where does this competitiveness come from?

I think your h won't go to counseling because he is extremely paranoid about any self examination or anything that remotely resembles criticism from another person. His decisiveness appears to him to be strength, but in fact it is weakness. He has probably set his personal expectations for himself (and probably for you) that are far beyond anyone's reach.

He has placed ow on a pedastal. If he can develope a relationship with her then he must be up on that same plane. In other relationships we call it "social climbing."

Now, about your making him feel safe...... I agree with Me2 that perhaps it's time for a 180. I am not sure that your h wants to be safe. He wants to be a master, an achiever, a success in all things. You see he's my h's soul twin.

I did everything I could to be the woman that my h needed...... BUT he was looking for the woman that he WANTED. Forget needs..... he's stuck on his wants.

Work on yourself. Until he places values your good qualities, he won't respond to you the way you want him too.

I think that when I put my foot down and made demands on my h, he was actually attracted to the strength. Whatever it was, what I had been doing wasn't working so at the time I just didn't figure I had a lot to lose.