Been reading your posts here...I know how hard it all is. My H had an A while overseas for his job, he lied and lied, and then just for a change, lied some more. I finally found out the WHOLE truth last Nov. He/I never left and we are 'working on it' but I still relate to the hopelessness you feel. And like you and Wesse were discussing, the NEED to know WHY. That one still eludes me/us, H says it wasn't about me, or us, but he's not really entirely sure what it was....gee, that's helpful, huh. It is very hard not to obsess over that one, and all the other 'unknowns'.
I also wish there was something I (or anyone) could say...but I know there is not, except you are not alone!
Something you said stuck me tho..." He seems only to want to give his love to those who are hard to get" and I was wondering if you'd tried a 180? Because I don't know the whole story please forgive me if this is a 'been there, done that' sort of thing. Another thing that has helped me, besides the 180-which I practice DAILY- is going dark. I am normally an extroverted-type A personality-it sounded so familiar when y'all were talking about your personalities...I'm the same....but not really so much anymore. I have learned to 'temper' myself. It's making him raise an eyebrow-he thought he had me all figured out. Also...if your struggle to try to 'make your home safe for HIM' is not helping you, then don't try so hard. That's not saying to make it an UNSAFE place for him but you need to focus on YOU. I mean, if nothing else, it might serve as a wake up call to him if he can see that you are doing for YOU for a change. If what you are doing right now is not working...do something else.
It is hard tho, I know. My H never 'left' once I got the whole truth, the A went on for a couple of months while he was gone for that year and was over well before he came home. At the time I only believed it to be EA...didn't admit PA until Nov when I had contact with OW-she said she'd not heard from him in over 10 months and had no idea he was married (even called him an "ass" -pardon the language-her words). To go through all of this and still have them 'there' is tough...maybe not as tough as if they had left.... but I'm not sure about that one.
It is so diffucult to be any way than the way you've always been...I never really thought there was 'all that much wrong' with our M before he left-I guess I was really wrong. Now that things are getting back to the way they used to be, it scares the heck out of me. If I 'missed it before...how would I ever recognize in the future?
I hope you are feeling better, and hey, have a good day, there are a lot of great people on these boards....we're here for you!
