AlexN, I have copied your last response because I think it will help me to reread it from time to time.
My h does seem to need to be a hero. My h takes on work in a particular area of his practice that in not financially rewarding. While he enjoys that area of practice, I think he likes it primarily because of the many accolades that come with it. I can freely encourage him to do this because there is no ow type temptation for him here.
My h is also one of the stubbornest people I have ever known, but most people that know him would never guess that about him. He is never WRONG about anything, but he'd never realize that about himself.
It is relatively easy to play ow and make him happy by playing a role. I did that for months during and after the affair when we were still in what I call the crisis stage. However, in his mlc he wanted a wife who was well known professionally, extremely active in church and community affairs, who was a physically fit specimen, who exercised with him for almost an hour daily, and who turned heads whenever she walked into any room. In his mlc, he was struggling to be the best in everything - prioritizing did not exist. Part of my resentment came from the struggle to meet all of his truly unrealistic expectations. Finally, I recognized what was going on and we discussed the choices that we must all make in life. It is not possible to have it all. I was struggling to be me, ow, & Katie Couric (sp?) all wrapped up into one. My h is not a wise person. He had those same unrealistic expectations of himself.
His career in a small town has not gone where it could've with his intellect, drive, and energy if he'd chosen practice elsewhere, BUT he also likes small town family life. Choices again.
Your description of ow applies both to my h & his ow. Both are "rigid, orderly, stuck on their image, and really very fragile inside." In order to "feed that image," they REALLY DO "need to keep all the dark aspects of themselves hidden." That was really insightful. I think that is probably why h cannot bring himself to discuss the affair. It makes him feel so small. He would prefer to be a philanderer than a man "desparate for attention." This was dragged out of him by our MC in several counselling sessions. I expect it also explains why ow blames me and is so disdainful. She cannot face what she did so she just doesn't.
Your ow feels it is not wrong to discuss the intimate details of her marriage with another man. She just chooses not to examine her actions. People who are involved in affairs just don't judge themselves by the same standards they apply to others. I think people who perceive themselves as good or pious often fall into that trap. If they are thinking it, feeling it, or doing it, it must be ok. That's why the secrecy of affairs is so dangerous. This logic does not hold up under examination, but the 2 affair partners have an unspoken agreement not to question.
Your h's blaming you for all his shortcomings strikes me as almost childlike. My h did the same thing. Our MC said that he had begun to view me in the role of Mother. He took on the teenage psyche where he avoided M's rules and shirked responsibility for himself.
Your h seems to be doing that also. This was something my h had to work out with a 3rd person. It was very difficult for him to face those things. He finally realized that he was very jealous of my successes in many areas. He was proud of me, but my accomplishments made him feel smaller. Ow on the other hand is a very pretty little person who has mastered all the feminen wiles and who constantly fed his ego.
I think ow admired things about me that are missing from her personality. She is rigid - I am a free spirit. She is incredibly uptight - I'm laid back. She is totally introverted - I wear my heart on my sleeve and function best as a problem solver. I also do not doubt that she coveted certain things about our lifestyle. Her h is wealthy, but her life is truly boring. You mention that your ow is mundane. I wonder if she envies and covets your life.
You said that she never fully commits herself to her h. The same is true of our ow. Still is after almost3 years. In fact, she seems to feel obligated to prolong the appearance of a bad marriage. That seems to be a necessary part of her public image defense to what she did with my h. I suspect that the primary focus of her life is to keep all the dark aspects of herself hidden. This strikes me as so strang because God has blessed her with so many talents and gifts.
I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling with the effects of the past years on your son. How old is he? My h did not choose to come home, but he did finally look at our son's needs. He came home to plan an exit that would be less hurtful to our son. He feels that God intervened by leading me to find ow's letters. Our son was pushed aside an awful lot during the after math of the affair. We'd talk for hours leaving him to his own devices. I have always been especially close to him and still am. He did need more independence, but this was a tough way to grow into it sink or swim. He has become closer to my h. I had not realized just how withdrawn from family life my h was because I had always just unthingkingly taken up the slack.
You said, "I now have a real job in front of me, restoring the relationship with my son, and in some ways I'm at a loss as to how to do it." I hope that you can figure out a way to involve your h in this process. If he could shoulder some responsibility here, he could be quite a hero to both of you.
You said, "I feel like shaking him and saying, look I'm back, I love you, I always loved you, and I'm sorry...." My h has said almost those exact words to me more times than I can count. I needed more. Perhaps your son will also. He too may need some earnest and honest age appropriate discussion of that recent history.
My son doesn't know the gory details, but I have talked to him in many short and some long time bites that add up to countless hours. He feels pretty comfortable with what went on. My primary goal was that he feel that his family is secure, and I think he does. I also think he appreciates our "age appropriate" honesty about our problems. That's where the security comes from.
The enlightening thing for me was that this child who is very attuned to his family never asked one question when our interactions changed so drastically. We were suddenly spending hours in earnest closed door sessions and sometimes yelling at one another. This was totally out of character for him -he also usually wears his heart on his sleeve.
I do hope that you and your h can work together to help your son and that you will continue to post about him.
