Wesse, I do so understand your feelings of rage, and hurt and resentment. This is a very hard one for me, and the only way I find I can overcome it is to not fall into the trap that my h has done, i.e. that relationships are perfect and conflict-free. As you know, it's imperative to focus on the positives, and from your post, I can many of them. It's also a lot easier for others to see hope where we sometimes see none. First of all, his admission that ow is a cold, unremorseful B is a huge step. I doubt I would ever hear such an admission from my h, and since I don't know ow personally I can't comment on her personality. All I can see is what I see from him, and their work together, and what I see is someone who is keen to travel upward, and someone who feels it is not wrong to discuss the intimate details of her marriage with another man, and someone who is fairly rigid and orderly. I have watched as my h has done projects that are far below his level of competence and I can only surmise that he does them, and seeks them out in order to impress her, or at least in order to work with her. Part of his mlc is that he has not reached where he feels he should be, and from what I see, he has allowed himself to be deflected from his path primarily because of his attitude and his interpersonal skills with certain employers and also because of his desire to be admired, respected, and so he does things where younger, less accomplished (especially women) people will be in a position to do so. And yet, I feel he has blamed me for the fact that he has fewer friends since marrying me, and he has not reached the career heights he had hoped for. (I'm not exactly sure how it is I prevented him from reaching these heights, but that's what I have.) I expect that my h's ow does sincerely like him, but I also suspect that he lifts her out of her occasionally mundane existence, and it probably keeps her in an EA frame of mind, so that she never fully commits herself to her h. But that is their problem and not mine.
Men have a need to be right, to be seen as admirable. Your h needs you to put this behind you for that reason. Can you try focusing on his good qualities (which I'm sure you do for the most part). He didn't leave, and so in effect he did choose you. He struggled in his own way to do the right thing. People who are stuck on their image, are really very fragile inside, and in order to feed that image, they need to keep all the dark aspects of themselves hidden. Guess who gets the benefit of seeing that dark side? Not ow, that's for sure. Maybe if you choose to make him ahero, he'd find it easier to live up to that standard at the same time as you call him on other things. This is a tough one for me, but honesty can begin with you. I've found if I reveal myself without blaming h, he becomes more open. There will always be certain things he will not admit to, as perhaps there are things none of us want to admit to. As far as my ordeal, I consider it ended. While my h is being nicer, warmer, and all the rest, I have experienced these mlc remissions in the past, only to discover a few weeks later that he is back to being cold, indifferent, unfeeling toward me, etc. I can safely say that where I am right now, if my h were to steer us back into that dark past, I would not follow, but turn around and head in my own direction without him. I have many dark days, too, Wesse, where I mull over things. Obsess really, but I also see that I have ignored the people in my life who really do need me, and love me, namely my children, and especially my son. I can see the price I've paid, in that he has sort of moved on himself, because I have been so preoccupied with saving my marriage. A noble cause, for sure, but where nobility is done at such a high price to someone who really does depend on you, and loves you, is it worth it? I now have a real job in front of me, restoring the relationship with my son, and in some ways I'm at a loss as to how to do it. I feel like shaking him and saying, look I'm back, I love you, I always loved you, and I'm sorry I was obsessing on Daddy at your expense but get over it. Does this sound familiar, in that your h may very well be saying that to you? I wonder if my h feels that way toward me. If so, it's a perfectly normal response, but certainly a hard one to suffer for the one who has felt the sting of those insults and anger, and twisting knife of betrayal.
