Jenny, and AlexN, Thank you so much for responding when I was feeling down.
I posted or attempted to post a reply to you, but somehow it never made it to the board. After an incredibly busy weekend, I am feeling much better although I know that those negative feelings will resurface from time to time. I did want to thank you both for your responses.
Jenny, I am especially sorry that your children are suffering. Our son never really knew the facts. We told him a very small part of what had happened in case he heard something from a friend. Relatively few people know about my h's ea with ow, and they seem to have been very careful not to repeat it. Those who may have heard gossip would never believe it of ow.
AlexN, I agree that it is good to see that someone else has similar experiences. Although I do go a bit nuts from time to time, it helps to understand that its just part of the horrible aftermath. I am glad to hear that you h is being nicer. Your h's work situation sounds so much more difficult to live with than our church situation. I liked your "workhorse" observations.
I read quite a number of "relationship books" early on, but I think that some of the books you both mentioned will be better suited for this stage in recovery. I also may do some reading on post traumatic stress syndrome because my reaction has been very different from any earlier life experience.
I think that our MC set us up for trouble in giving my H an excuse to move on without openness and honesty. Our MC did well in getting us through the initial crisis. She was able to say things to my h that he just didn't hear from me. She gained his trust and respect and then made him reconsider his view that ow was both his soul mate and the perfect woman. However, she would/could never push him to dig very deeply into what he'd done once he acknowledged that his ea was based on fantasy and that his negative view of me was unmerited. He discovered that once he presently resolved to be a good husband and he admitted that he had been a total jerk acting out a fantasy, then the MC was going to let him off the hook as far as the affair was concerned. It did and still does matter to me what actually happened. I don't mean sex. Ow's trespass into my h's heart and his entanglement in hers hurt me far more than a trespass of bodies would have. However, I am glad that sex is not one more trigger that we have to deal with.
It seems to me that I NEED to get it all out in the open... to get rid of any special secrets, memories, etc they had... to understand what he did and why... to have h WILLING & ABLE to talk freely about her as assurance there remains no weird "chemistry" or other "connection" there. I think that perhaps the worst for me is that I can't feel that he is completely over it until he can talk about it. Just the willingness to open it all up would be so meaningful! It seems closely related to Steve Harley's ideas about total honesty. There probably are personality types who don't need to air it all out. If the roles were reversed, I expect that my h probably would RUN from facing the facts.
Our MC talked a lot about whether I WANTED to stay married. That seems to be only the tip if the iceberg of issues to be decided when there is a marital crisis. I probably would not order my son's Father out of our home absent a problem substantially as serious as a severe personality disorder, drug problem, etc.
My H thinks he has shared much information with me, but I feel that most of what I found out I guessed or figured out by obsessive analysis of what facts I had from h, ow, & the few of ow's letters that I found. My h did not admit anything until I first had evidence hard enough almost to stand up in court. Early on, we would go round and round for hours or days over things. Finally, I'd have parts 1-5 & 7-10 of a puzzle and he's admit part 6. My counselor could not understand why I had to know. I cannot IMAGINE marriage without honesty. To me honesty after an affair includes disclosure and discussion. My h developed the worst memory on record short of amnesia. Our MC approved this. I have never been a secretive person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and instinctively withdraw from those who either don't have thoughts, feelings, or opinions or who choose to keep them secret.
After 2+ years, I have tons of unanswered questions and I accept that they will remain that unanswered by my h. I feel that he doesn't know the many of the answers because he wouldn't deal with the issues, but I do think that he needs to deal with them for his own well being - not just for mine. He'd rather just live with the guilt.
AlexN, I appreciated your observations of irony where the ow is regarded as sincere and innocent because her manipulations are so masterfully subtle. I do think my h does now see that difference. Very uncharacteristically, my h observed a few days ago that it must be hard for me to see ow so admired by our unknowing church congregation when she continues to be such a cold-hearted unremorseful B*t$h to me (his words). He was right although I had not thought about it just that way before.
He is trying really hard to be a loving h, but to him the past was just a huge MISTAKE. He admits that, at the time, he thought that "mistake" meant the entire world to him. He says that he just didn't factor in anything else.
He actually did leave home for a few days till he realized he had no clue how to tell our son why he was leaving. He returned to go to counseling telling me we were working on our marriage and telling ow he was working out how to tell our son (I don't know which was the truth because we have never been able to comfortably discuss it... That's one of those things I have needed to air.) Days after his return, I found ow's love letters & their ea abruptly ended when I threatened to expose her immediately in Court. Until then I had believed h was just depressed & confused - both true but with ow mixed in as a catalyst for a very different reaction.
It took a huge chunk out of my life before discovery of ow and later during withdrawal and still later during h's avoidance maneuvers. I have never been more completely miserable. Something that now means nothing to him, completely devastated me for almost a year followed by another year+ of feeling like there was no security in my life.
My h says I just need to focus on what we now have for my own sanity. Yet, I feel that I don't know what we have till I know just who he really is and who he will be when the chips are down again.
It helps me to express these feelings to someone who won't say just be glad he came home (can't say he chose me because he really didn't) I do feel less angry and resentful with time, but it those feelings combined with hurt and insecurity definitely are there to resurface from time to time. I may choose not to say or do anything about those feelings, but that's not saying they've completely disappeared.
I'm not generally worried about him cheating anymore. He and ow seem to detest each other. I don't think either of them can understand how the other let go so abruptly without any attempt to save their "special love." (Another issue I'd love to discuss with h)
I do think that h is unlikely to get involved in something like this again. I think there was special chemistry with ow - in some respects they are incredibly alike and some of their common characteristics are character flaws while others are real attributes.
There are time when I think that I don't really care anymore, but I think that is just discouragement surfacing. If h strayed again, I think I probably would divorce him, but even then I'd still care about the whys and wherefores.
I know that the hardest part is seeing HER all the time at church. I want peace, not anger and resentment. When I need my church the most, it's now not the place where I can find solace.
I do think my h could help me get over the anger (with true openness and honesty), but I've pretty much accepted that he won't. Until he does he won't be the hero that he so much wants to be.
Thank you for the chance to ramble on & on. I hope these ramblings will assure others that there is light at the end of the tunnel when anger, resentment, and hurt suddenly pop up. I am so glad that the tunnels are farther and farther apart, seemingly much shorter, and not so dark as they were in that first frightening year after the affair ended.
