Hi Jenny, me again. I need some advice. (When don't I?) I told you h had flowers and a lovely anniversary card for me, two days after we celebrated our anniversary and we had another infamous talk, in which he said again that we don't communicate. I came here the next day and posted a very depressed message. The last week has been quite calm, and he left Saturday on this business trip overseas with OW, for two weeks. All day Saturday he hung around, hugging me and kissing me every time he left the house to do an errand. When I drove him to the airport he told me he would miss me and that he loved me. That's a first in several months. I know I should be jumping up and down, but I'm not. Michele says look at the actions and not at the motives, but I suspect he's worried I might do something while he's away, and wants to reassure me. Problem is we've been here about two or three times already, and every time he reels me back in, then goes down again. He knows I have a real problem with this woman (he writes the proposals, and works for a variety of organizations, and yet never travels with any other person.) and yet he continues the relationship. I have said nothing further about this trip, and have avoided all talk about it. If he is interested in working on this marriage, where do we go from here? Every time in the past that we have started to discuss my issues of broken trust, betrayal and anger (it's not just her, it's others that he's been chasing -- eg I've caught him on chat lines, found charge receipts for personals ads, seen many unusual numbers on his phone line, and so on), he backs off the whole thing and gets angry and withdraws again. Obviously, I don't want to make that mistake again, but what does one do with the very real issue of trust. I just don't trust him. As well, we seem to be caught in a classic distancer-pursuer dance and he seems only interested when I'm on the verge of splitting. It's usually when he starts to warm up to me again that I feel the anger really rising, and figure it's for one of two reasons. Either I feel comfortable enough bringing up my own issues (remember he's had many opportunities to complain about my shortcomings), or else I'm subconsciously (or consciously) erecting barriers to prevent myself from getting hurt, in effect sabotaging any real possibilities of reconciliation and intimacy. How did you handle this with your h? Did you just ignore any issues you had re the ones I mentioned? Should I suggest the KLA tapes to work on together, the way Chelsea and her h are doing? I've been following Carey's progress, and see so many similarities between us -- my h in the past has wanted to keep our relationship and yet continue with his parallel life of certain friends. He has a phone line and email address, and a password on that and his computer, none of which I have access to, yet he has access to my email and my phone messages. We don't even have a joint checking account, so it's a history that's long-standing. It seems the will to reconcile is starting to return with him, at least as of yesterday, but who knows what he will feel like after two weeks with his "soulmate" (his words). Incidentally, after our anniversary I think I had reached that point where I really was ready to pull the plug and didn't feel badly about it. He seems to anticipate this, and acts on it. Did you experience this with your h, and how did you deal with it? Thanks Jenny, Alex
Just to let you all know that today is my anniversary (the 2nd married and 4 years together). I will post more as to what is going on but I just wanted to ask for any well wishes today as I know this is going to be hard for me. I did see my husband yesterday and boy can he vascillate back and forth. Although I think if you asked him he would deny it. He was sad when he left-I don't know if if was guilt or he was sad to have lost everything good that we had. Who knows. I am trying to keep up my PMA today and I hope that all of you all are doing well!!!
Jenny, would you mind very much posting a reply to me via email? I have a good reason for this. I had a consult this morning which was quite helpful and I'll fill you in on that. My email is alexnewman@idirect.com. If you don't care to give out your address so indiscriminatley, I do understand, and just let me know what you think. As I said, I have a good reason for asking. Thanks, Alex.
I was just wondering how everyone is doing? I had an awful day on Friday via the phone with my husband and then I saw him on Saturday and as my friend who showed up while my husband was at the house said, "It is as if nothing has happened and you two are still together. You all get along like and talk to each other as if he is still here." She is correct in that we do behave that way when we are together (for the most part). This back and forth drives me crazy, but I am trying to hang in there. I hate to admit that I am beginning to doubt that my husband will get his head out of his a** until it is too late and we are divorced. He believes that since I have gotten help for my depression and always seem to be doing so much better when he is around now versus when he was at home that I am better off without him and that he was the cause of my depression. I swear if I hear that one one more time!!! Anyway, I just wanted to check on everyone and see how they are. You all are in my prayers!!!!
I read your thread and am so happy you made it back with your h. Mine is in MLC, gone, but I was wondering if maybe you have an answer for me?
In MLC, when they are in the deep cave and in the running away stage, do you know when they get out of it, is it gradual or like an awakening fairly quick. I imagine the deep cave stage is the darkest depths of despair since there has been no contact, only e-mails. Is this the time to back off totally or try to meet some of his needs thru e-mail?
For those of you still suffering the pain of separation and divorce,I send you a big hug.
Last year at this time I was heartbroken over the pitiful way my H had treated me over the Thanksgiving holidays.I thought it was really over between us.
What a difference a year makes...we have just returned from a wonderful family vacation.My H is loving,affectionate and dotes on me.My friends and family have commented on how relaxed and happy he seems to be.
It took a lot of DBing and plenty of patience on my part to get us to this point.
Please don't give up hope,but it's important to detach and to allow your spouse to be drawn to you naturally.Work on developing your on talents and become independent..it worked in my case.
Hi Jenny, Glad to hear that you had a good Thanksgiving. Thank you for all the support you have given us here out on the board. I am truly thankful for all you have done.
I am so glad to hear that everything is going well Jenny!!! I am so happy for you. Tomorrow I go to meet with a lawyer since the court has ordered us to a conference since neither my husband or I have done anything as far as the divorce is concerned. My husband (who is 32) has been diagnosed with High Blood Pressure and he has been suffering panic attacks due to stress or depression. While I am not happy that his health is suffering, it is ironic that he left me and wanted to be happy and now he seems to be falling apart. I saw him last week and all he could do was put himself down and tell me that I should be with a lawyer or a doctor because I was intelligent, sophisticated, and beautiful. He says that our different shifts did not help our marriage and he cannot imagine me going through all of that again (being married but only seeing him one hour a day and on the weekends). He said is that what you want? Well I would still love for my husband to wake up and come home to me and work on our marriage, but at the same time I think his job is tearing him apart (both physically and mentally) and I would love it if he left there and got another job, even if the pay was less. He says that he cannot get another job that pays that much, but like I told him, money is not everything. If your health goes, what does the money matter. Anyway, I will reluctantly go to the lawyer tomorrow and see what I need to do to protect myself financially, but at the same time I will still pray for myself, my husband, and our marriage. I really do not think he will wake up until we are divorced and then he would probably never come back. Like he said again last week, You would never look at me the same and your family would never look at me the same way. I am just rambling but I thought I would tell you all a few things that are going on. I swear sometimes it seems like he is rethinking this whole mess and then he will go and act like he is not. It is so confusing. Best wishes to you all and wish me luck.
