Baker, I think I finally get it. I went back and read my posts from the past few weeks to see if there was any progression, or differences between what was working and what wasn't.
Basically, what works is letting him vent, but detaching myself enough to not let it affect/hurt me. What else works is shutting my mouth -- that means no offering solutions, no translating, no arguing with what are his feelings, allowing him all the complaining he wants.
What doesn't work is pursuing -- that means defending myself, crying about how he's hurt me, etc., revolving everything I feel around him and his behaviour.
We had a chat (pillow talk) on our anniversary -- about his continued ambivalence, about how he's reminded of our glaring inability to talk when he sees his old freinds (female always). I let him talk, didn't argue, though I did say maybe he was right, that I had some doubts as well. (He got riled up about that). I also did not let it register so I didn't react to the conversation. Good breakthrough for me was in no delayed reaction which is my usual MO. I didn't wake up in the middle of the night angry or crying, though I did come to the board on Sunday and felt pretty down.
I shored myself up with information: 1) this is his problem 2) I cannot change his problem; I cannot talk him out of leaving, or convince him he has a great thing going here 3) I cannot be something I am not 4) we come into this life alone, we leave it alone, and it is our life to make something of, whether we are with someone or not -- BEING HAPPY DOES NOT DEPEND ON HOW SOMEONE ELSE MAKES YOU FEEL, so stop depending on h to stop this madness in order for me to be happy -- that is up to me to do NOW and for myself! 5) do not fall into the negativity trap; being non-reactive shows I have let go; he will have to convince someone else of his "truth" namely himself
When I came home from work yesterday, there were beautiful flowers and alovely anniversary card for me. I need to remember, always, that he does care, and that he is horribly conflicted.
