Hi Jenny, I've been mulling over what you said for the past few days and just wanted to tell you I'm taking it to heart. I haven't anything solid to report as far as what I intend to do, just to say that your words have been taken seriously. A little history might help -- this is not the first time we've had troubles, and of a rather large nature. When we first met, my h had severe anxiety attacks, performance and separation anxieties, which were manifested as agoraphobia. He was on huge amounts of Xanax, the largest dose the psychiatrists had ever put anyone on. He feels he has never resolved those separation anxieties or where they come from, but after reading Living with a Passive Aggressive Man, I've gained some insights into that. To say the least our first few years were quite rocky, and h often wanted to talk about the relationship. As near as I coudl see, he always wanted to pick apart its inadequacies, so after a while I said I relaly couldn't keep up the energy for that kind of daily analysis. He now says he has always had reservations about our marriage, and about our way of communicating, which is why Im reluctant to give up talking with him. Since I don't want to shut him up or cut him off from talking, I guess the thing I really need to do is to try once again to distance myself emotionally. Youa re right that I am obsessing about the marriage, and that I have ignored other things -- my kids, myself, my friends, even my career to some extent, so I am getting back on my horse again. Reading DB again is always a source of positive reinforcement and serves to increase my energy. I am also reading a lot of other books, to try and glean some insights as to my behavioru and my h's behaviour. I guess what I've also allowed to happen is to let myself get drawn into h's negative downward spiral on this stuff, and to believe what he says. I need to pull back, even if only to sort out, as AUtumn put it so well, the reality from the memorex (projected). I have suggested to him thta rather than letting me have the full list with both barrels, that perhaps we look at each thing that bothers him and try to find solutions. For example, if he has felt that I am not interested in what he's doing, then we should discuss how it is that he feels that way, what I'm doing to make him feel like that, and then find out if he thinks there's a solution. Part of his problem, I'm afraid, is that he feels if people are really meant for each other, there will be no necessity to go through "behaviour modification" as he sees it. The relationship with OW, which was never physically realized, has placed him on a fantasy plane of how soulmates relate, and that includes never having to tell the other what you mean exactly. I also need to stop finding solutions for him, as in psychology, for example telling him why I think he felt the way he did. I need to keep my mouth shut and just listen. I also need to get better at not reacting, whether that's the big show -- tears and hurt feelings or the little snits when I feel he's been hurtful. We have also talked about how he must let me know when he feels angry and why, so we can talk about it, and if he thinks I'm getting defensive (which I can do) to say so. Michele says in DB that whatever you have been pigeonholed as doing, you need to address it, so since he has repeatedly pideonholed me as not communicating, we need to look at that. There are two parts to his dissatisfaction, the first being that I have muzzled him and he has muzzled me -- he by being overcritical and me by being defensive, so in the past we just shut up and put up, and that has led to a competitiveness between us which breaks down communicaiton and intimacy. The second part which I can do nothing about is his fantasy about intensely communing with someone. I can not be what I am not, and while I can try to change behaviour like irritability, short-temperedness, bossiness, etc., I cannot change who I am, or what makes me tick, and if who I am is not what he desires, I cannot change that, and he must deal with that in whatever way he sees fit. I can try and be more compassionate to him and do the things that he needs, like some space at the end of the day, like an ear to listen to his problems, and someone warm and loving, physically and emotionally, but beyond that I can go no further for him. And in fact if I try I will only succeed in doing what I have done for so many years -- being a parasite on his shoulder, not leading my own life, and not being myself, and therefore destined to end up not being loved for myself, and likely not being loved period. Does this sound more like what you are getting at? I do know the cessation of OR talks was very helpful over the last several months, but for the reasons stated I don't want to cut them altogether, but instead am going to try and refashion them. MY h claims he loves to talk, and this is true to a certain extent, but in the past, it was never centred on what can we do for each other, or the realtionship, but what he was dissatisfied with. For my part, I turned off because I felt he was being very critical, so I didn't listen, which was not smart and certainly not very mature. He has tried to explain to me that he doesn't want to say anuything about his feelings in case they change the next day and he has to recant them, so I'm trying to hang pretty loose on hearing any words of commitment. The time will come when I have truly done everything I can, and when I will then need and expect to have some sort of commitment from him, as a means of creating some emotional security for myself and the children, which is badly lacking right now. Enough of this. Thank you once again for taking the time and trouble to respond, Jenny. You really have been tremendously helpful. Cheers Alex
