I must admit I am puzzled by all the "talks" you and your H have.I can only give advice based on Michele's techniques and my own experience.
My position remains the same: NO... OR talks.However,Alex,you should NOT discuss your tactics w your H.Just listen to him and avoid analyzing and figuring things out FOR him.You can talk your self "blue in the face" with tremendous insight and it won't help a bit.Your H has to figure things out for himself.Your pointing out the reality of his OW fantasies,will continue to fall on deaf ears.I know I tried the same thing w my H prior to my detaching from his MLC.
This takes a considerable amount of effort and restraint,initially.Please do some research on MLC to help you understand his state of mind.This is about him,not about you.
I learned from my excellent therapist that some people just LIKE TO COMPLAIN.They don't want solutions just an empathetic ear.I have always been an action oriented problem solver,so it was difficult for me to hold myself back from processing w my H.Once I was successful in allowing my H the luxury of telling me how miserable he was (without solutions)I started to make progress.It took months,but it worked!
Going back to work was a Godsend for me too as it took me out of the thick of things and gave me a better perspective on my life.My confidence returned and I started to heal.My independence and success made me even more attractive to my H.I could tell months before he admitted it,that my H really wanted and needed me.I just had to wait for him to realize it himself.
Finally,at one point when he started in on the "I am just not happy" bit,I said fine,I am going on with own life.I told him I wanted to go away for a while to figure out what I wanted to do w the rest of my life.It was then that he WOKE UP and committed himself to me and our marriage again.He has continued to be a loving and devoted H.
My wkly grp therapy was so very helpful in giving the motivation and courage I needed to remain in "limbo" for so long.My therapist is a world famous author who was recommended to me by Michele.I was so fortunate that he was located nearby.He gave me a different perspective on my H and our marriage.I had to learn to be less controlling and to allow my H all the "gripe time" he needed.Once,I realized I didn't need to have any answers,it became easy just to listen and to avoid personalizing.
Alex re intimacy,everyone has to do decide what is comfortable for them individually.However,men do tend to communicate physically and it's quite meaningful that you have this connection w your H.Again I say...DON"T UNDERESTIMATE this aspect of your relationship.
Alex,my boys are doing much better and they can see the obvious affection between my H and myself.This is helping them to feel safe again.I am still regretful for all they suffered especially seeing me sobbing and heartbroken so frequently.However,I did the best I could and I did manage to save my marriage and keep their family intact.This in the long run is a good message for them...to stick it out when the going gets rough and preserve the family unit at all costs.They have watched our ups and downs and have experienced our reunion.For this I am grateful as it could have worked out very differently,if I had pursued my original course of action.
My therapist told me that many people actually wind up w an accidental divorce due to heated emotions and a lack of patience.
I hope I have been helpful,Alex.You are repetitive in your questions which makes me think you still don't get it.Please read Michele's books and focus on your own growth and development.Call Michele for a referral in your area and don't give up.Your H needs you very much and it is obvious that he loves you.Just don't play his game any longer.Play your own game.
Your friend...Jenny
[This message has been edited by 17baker445 (edited 09-04-2000).]
