Hi Jenny, I guess I'm having a problem discerning between being an active listener and getting drawn right back into the fray. I don't want to discourage the talking because that's been my h's consistent complaint about our marriage -- the lack of communicaiton. I don't think it's entirely true since we have talked a lot about a lot of stuff. I have suggested to himt hat he is looking for some kind of supreme communion with someone, and that many, many times when he has returned from dinner with his old friend (and old flame, another unrequited EA before I met him), that he has felt discouraged that the dinner didn't rate as one of the best or most intense events. I reminded him that seldom has he come home from dinner with her and sprakled and said that was great, and that even if he were married to her they might have one or two intense conversations a year and the rest would be humdrum. He admits this is probalby his problem, so I do want to keep the communicaiton open. I guess I'm having difficulty drawing the boundary lines of what to accept and how much complaint is enough. We discussed this and I said maybe we should talk about one thing he finds disturbing and then we explore it, such as I feel you're not interested in what I'm doing. Now, I feel I'm very interested in his work and always have been, but if he's feeling like that then we need to discuss it. SO I suggested that we take that one point, for example, and discuss why he felt I wasn't interested -- because my eyes glaze over, because I get interrupted by the children, and then how do we solve the problem that he doesn't feel he's getting undivided attention. He thought that was reasonable. I also asked him what was his intention with the talks -- to work on our marriage, to test whether I was capable of giving him what he needs, or what. He said just to see if we could talk. Okay. Let's try it. Now, how do I distance under those circumstances, since I don't want to cut off the communicaiton? Perhaps I should cease all physical intimacy, partly because I'm starting to feel like not doing it, but also because he's not acting like a husband so maybe I should not act like a wife, and just be a sounding board. In the past, he told me that what made him fall in love with me was my warmth and how much I seemed to care for him, so do I continue that? It doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere as far as making him want me. When I have said I'm tired of not being wanted, he says he finds me very desirable. But that is like telling a woman in a bar that you want to sleep with her but aren't in love with her. What's so unusual about that? I know I need to do something different, but what? I agree that things were a bit better balanced when we didn't have OR talks, but he wants them. Or maybe we should not have OR talks, but talk instead about what makes me tick, what makes him tick, and steer clear of the OR stuff. Is that possible? Maybe I need to start going away for a few days at a time, so that he can take care of the kids on his own. I don't know if that's possible, but perhaps I could try it. Have you any suggestions, o wise one? Maybe I'm wanting more than he can give, and this is all I'm going to get from this marriage. Oerhaps the key is to stop my expectations and to stop putting forth what I want from him. Then again, maybe that's a bad idea. One thing he said about me was he felt he didn;t know me. I'm also hearing him complain more aobut other people, and some of the stuff, even the chance remarks sounds like such drivel, and such petty childish complaining. And massive amounts of negativity. The group therapy thing sounds good -- where did you find yours? How are you dealing with your kids now, BTW? Thanks again, Jenny.
