Me again, Jenny. We had another talk last night, but with somewhat disastrous results. My h talked a lot more about his own feelings because I probed him. I do feel utterly defeated in some ways. It's like he's written this negative script, and no matter how many changes I've made over the past two years, he's still going by that script. Some of what he says is legitimate, and I agreed with what he said, such as he didn't feel as though he knew me that I keep myself separate, and that's probalby true. He told me how it is to talk with his old friend with whom he was inlove for severalyears before he met me. He says it's like peeling anonion, and he gets to discover a bit more about her every time they get together (they have dinner maybe two or three times a year). One of the recent revelations was that she is insecure about her accomplishments (and he'sknown her about 20 years). I have tried not to internalize all this negative stuff, but last night was too much, especially when he said he's never felt that I've been interested in what he's doing. I don't know where this comes from, since my whole relationship with him has revolved around what he does, work-wise, and where he's going and so on. In the middle of the night I woke up and went downstairs and just cried for about an hour. He came down, when he woke and I wasn't in bed, and talked a bit, and I told him I knew I'd promised I'd try not to take this personally, but it was very hard when some of what he was saying was really unfair and not true, and it just seemed as though he was grabbing at any straws. I've told him many times he is free to go, but he says he's not sure this lack of communication (we talked last night for an hour and a half), is worth leaving what's here (which he never says what it is). I'm starting to make myself sick over this, and I'm really neglecting my kids, and I know it's serving no purpose for getting my marriage back on track. It's very hard to lovingly distance when he keeps drawing me in, and it seems when he does draw me in it's only to beat me up. Is it justification for his continuing relationship with this woman? Is it just that he's lost desire for me and this marriage and is aimlessly looking for an excuse, and yet can't really find one good enough to make him look okay for leaving? Is that the source of his anxiety over all this? I've made lots of slip-ups, like getting into the reaction mode, which is exactly what I did last night, but I have just made such an effort for two years to make changes and fix what I've done to this marriage, and still the blame keeps coming and the negativity. What more can I do? It's not like he's saying I love you and I'm confused -- in fact it's I don't love you, I'm confused, we don't communicate, we're not compatible, and he's been going on ad nauseum about this stuff for years now, and yet he's maybe having a hard time finding the evidence? I hope this is not too much of a drian on your own emotions. It's hardly like youv'e been on a picnic yourself the past year, though things seem good now. I expct they are still looking up? Thanks Jenny.
