Hi Jenny, glad to hear you sound so positive. Kath, too. That inner peace I get glimpses of on occasion, but am not really there quite yet. I've put ahold on the Unfinished Woman book at the library, so thanks for the suggestion. My h and I have continued our nightly talks, often talking about nothing in particular (ie OR), but last night we talked about my crankiness of the last couple of days. My MIL asked me on the weekend when they were over if I was now reconciled to h going on business overseas with OW, and I got quite upset with her, and said no I wasn't reconciled to it, that I was quite angry with it, but I had to keep my mouth shut. It really put a damper on my evening. Then yesterday, my son blamed me for some silly thing (he accused me of selling one of his boardgames at a garage sale and not giving him the money -- we haven't even had a garage sale!) and my h said that blaming was so like my family. I got quite upset, because it triggered the reaction in me that I have taken my fair share of accountability for problems in the marriage (unlike h) and felt I was not really in the blame game. Anyway, we talked last night, and we were very amicable about it. My h asked me why I was cranky, and I told him that I thought what happened was when he got warmer toward me, my anger was perfhaps a protective barrier I erected, because when he gets like that I say here we go. I'll get drawn in, only to have him slap me down again. He recognized that, but got quite quiet. I told him I was even nervous all day thinking of talking aobut this subject because I was worried he would do as he usually does. The minute I express my hurt or anger, he withdraws and gets cooler. I really think I made a big booboo, but if he wants to talk, and he expresses an interest in seeing how I feel should I withhold everything? The first time we talked and I told him that there were things I recognized about myself that contributed to our interaction, he was much more cheerful afterward. He admitted that he couldn't understand why he would want toleave at all, and that when he thinks about it, he asks himself, why are you doing this? He knows he has it good, but something is missing. When he talks aobut that stuff I try to be empathetic and listen, but I must admit I probably try to offer too many solutions. I think I need to brand your instructions on my forehead before I engage in any more discussions with my h. I just can't understand what he thinks could be missing, when I read of so many other peoples' marriages. Unless the experience with the EA told him that if he felt that way about her, there's something drastically wrong here, and he needs to find that feeling elsewhere. I can't remind him that he also felt that way about me, many years ago, and that if he were involved with her on a day to day basis that the novelty would wear thin. What is wrong with the rational part of these guys' brains? The guys who pride themselves on being so rational??? What last nights talk did, though, was remind me that I need to keep up the distance, if not for my sanity, then for him to miss me. Thanks, Jenny, for letting me ramble.
